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Old 05-01-2012, 03:56 PM
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PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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Location: Colorado
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@wildflowers: It's not been easy, but I've been trying hard to do the right thing. I think E deserves some credit for holding back too.

It's odd to hear from others not to beat myself up...I feel very inherently wrong for feeling all these various things. Hate myself even. For feeling Y doesn't give me enough attention, because I feel like it makes me an overly demanding person and that it's my fault I'm suffering. I can say though my first relationship was a messy one and got me into the habit of pretty much thinking everything I do in the relationship is wrong, because that's how my boyfriend treated any concerns I had. I was always wrong for feeling the way I did in his eyes. After hearing it over and over again from him, unfortunately it's left its mark on me and I'm convinced I'm just always wrong. So to hear you say thus far I don't need to beat myself up is just....very foreign to me. I guess I am really way too hard on myself.

I'm not quite sure how Y envisions relationships. I think he really looks up to the example of his grandparents, who were together years and years. I only saw them together a couple times, so I have little to go by, but they seemed to really respect each other and have concern for each other. That's really about all I know, besides that Y definitely loves the idea of being with me forever and stuff.

I'm not the greatest communicator, but I have at least repeated the concern 4-5 times bluntly over the years. And I've tried to get the attention out of him by all kinds of more indirect methods, such as dressing up, asking for it, oogly eyes, etc. Despite my efforts, it still may be a combination of him not getting it and being unable to....
I've asked him so many times if I'm doing something wrong and he's said no so many times I've come to the conclusion he is happy and that makes me feel like a jerk.

When I try to look at myself objectively I think I'm more along the lines of wanting an open marriage, but I wouldn't turn down a polyamorous setting if things just clicked right. I mean, if Y let me have E it wouldn't be cheap sex to me....it would mean the world to me. I don't know that E and I would work out in the long run but it would be a nice experience to have and I'd hope we'd agree to be friends no matter what if it didn't work out. I want to be able to establish meaningful connections with others and be free to express that as I wish, so I think more or less that means I want an open marriage with a flavor of polyamory.

It's just that E is on my mind. Constantly. I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out with not being able to express that.

I'm thinking for the time being my first priority is to get back on a healthy routine. My sleep and food intake has been horrible this week, because of all of my distress. I need to be healthy if I'm going to think straight. After that, I guess I need to make a decision whether to bring up the situation of E with Y now or later after trying to better Y's and my communication.

@PassionFlower: I would like to become more empowered in this situation somehow, as it does take a lot of strength to walk away or suggest something like a huge lifestyle change. Books may be a good way of not only helping me straighten out but hopefully it can involve Y in the process too.

@AnotherConfused: Sounds like the Love Languages book is worth checking out....I keep getting the feeling that Y does love me very much, but just has a WAY different way of showing it. Perhaps it will help open him up. To here him say good morning like that would be wonderful.

And Y has mentioned that he doesn't like giving out compliments because it seems frivolous to him and somehow insincere.

And the suggestion to hold off on E to determine what his role is in my heart may be a good idea. My head would probably be a lot clearer in that circumstance.

Thanks to everyone who has posted so far....further input of course is still appreciated. <3
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