test, 1 2 3....
i debated deleting - or at least editing - those last LONG posts basically explaining the mess/journey of my last two years. idk if laying it all out is TMI to anyone or not, but i appreciate being able to do that. i needed it.
so Z and i have been, since the last "big talk" and card-showing a few weeks ago, really close, and it's been great. i think we're both feeling pretty secure in the place we've both agreed to be, and now i'm feeling that inner urge to get out and test my legs some. have a pretty casual get-together with J this evening (it's a job function for him), and think i'll call an older friend for drinks and a night out downtown later this week.
sometimes i feel like i could eat Z up and lick my chops for more - it feels like it's all there, the desire, the intimacy of knowing each other, the pure animal lust, the sweetness of friendship, and i think, "wow....yeah." and then it's like my mind (programming) starts leaning toward the mono thing, trying to put what we have in a box, make it fit the old model....like, "hey...you COULD spend the rest of your life with this guy. you could make this work." and after a minute - or a day - of subconsciously herding us in that direction, projecting the possibility of the mono model on our relationship, of prepping to stuff it in that box and try to make it fit, i hear the record scratch -
"MAKE" it FIT. WTF.
i snap out of it every time, about the time i find myself getting irritated with something he has every right to do, or just some little difference between us. i find myself getting bent out of shape a little, subsequently withdrawing, and then realize, "oh - this is why our arrangement WORKS for us. this is why we have two separate households. this is another great reason we are best friends and not married, and we don't NEED to be!" etc.
once i snap out of it and settle back into being myself again instead of trying to be half of him, things improve immediately. i can't help but laugh out loud most of the time this happens.
ALSO.... "being friends", having a little more distance/space between us to let our lives move independently, letting some of the mystery live and breathe between us, not having to coordinate schedules or living quarters or tendencies, i find myself more sexually attracted to him. took me nearly 30 years to realize that i can love someone very deeply, but familiarity with that same person can really reduce arousal for me. (i couldn't even admit that to myself for a long time because i judged myself harshly for it, like there was something wrong with me - i thought i was shallow and user of people for it.)
meantime...J has hinted at taking a vacation to seattle, probably while he's on summer break. (he's a teacher.) i was immediately tempted, and immediately thought to myself that i shouldn't go; he and i still have a lot to discuss as far as the lifestyle i've chosen vs. what he wants for himself, and how Z fits into my picture as well. but...i was/am really tempted. it could be a lot of fun...maybe in 6 months, closer to my bday, and once everything has had a chance to settle a little, and all of us to acclimate....
sometimes i think too much, and miss out because i'm afraid of acting and hurting someone.
other times, i act, and ride the dragon, and have moments and experiences i'll never forget and wouldn't want to live without - but my actions cause people to hurt in the process....
i hope there's a beautiful balance. am making my own path toward that vision with open heart and careful hands and tongue....