I think I'm poly--what if I leave my marriage and find out I'm not?
I'm new here, but not new to the ideas of polyamory. I've been thinking and reading about and talking with my husband about polyamory for the past 3 years. He is definitely monogamous, and only wants to be with me. We've been married 11 years and have three children ages 6, 4, and 2.
He loves me, I know he really loves me. We have worked through a lot of issues in the last few years, and he's changed a lot of things that were making life really hard for me (mostly to do with trying to control how I spend money and my time).
I grew up in a very conservative Christian family, planned that I would get married, have kids, stay home with my family, be happy ever after. Instead I have allowed myself to realize I am bisexual and that I want more than one person, and more than one man. I have been very honest with my husband, and it's been hard. We tried having threesomes, it was a nightmare.
Last year I had a one night stand with two guys after I got very drunk. I told my husband two days later. It was after that that we had the threesomes. Since then, it has become clear to me that there is no way polyamory will work in the context of my marriage. I cannot convince my husband to be polyamorous or to let me be polyamorous.
So I have broken all the rules of both monogamy and polyamory and had a few affairs since January. This has verified that there are other people who are interested in me and who I connect with, but does not really answer the question of whether I can actually live the poly life and whether it's actually right for me. I think what I want is to find a stable partner who I can be poly with, but I honestly don't know how much jealousy I'll have, and I don't know if I'll find someone who can know me as well and love me as much as my husband does.
The affair that I'm having right now is with a man (who is also married and his partner doesn't know--let the judgement begin), and while I love him it's becoming obvious that he is not nearly as willing to care for and support me as I am for him. It's making me wonder if perhaps what I have in my marriage is better than leaving and finding out that everyone is pretty much selfish and that real love and care is quite rare-I don't know if it is.
So what I'm wondering is, has anyone left a monogamous marriage, thinking they were poly, but not having the experience to know for sure? How has that turned out? Have you found stable, loving relationships? Does anyone wish they had stayed in their original marriage?
I know that other people's lives don't offer any guarantee for mine, but I need some support. I've been thinking of leaving for a long time, but each time it seems I am on my way out, my husband's love seems to hold me here. Thanks.