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Old 05-01-2012, 02:58 AM
PhilosophicallyLost's Avatar
PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 48

Wow, this is amazing input so far! I seriously needed this.

@ dingedheart: I agree that adding someone else while a marriage is troubled is not a recipe for good things. I've been trying so hard to work on things with Y partly because if I really wanted polyamory a healthier relationship would provide a better stability point to go from. But the lack of honesty about the way I feel also contributes to my disconnect with my husband, so I feel a bit trapped in that regard. Can't tell him about my feelings for E because we're troubled, but should tell him for honesty's sake.

I think Y is starting to pick up all of a sudden I've been distant and upset the last few days, so he's definitely upped his efforts. I just wish it didn't take me feeling upset for him to take the motion. I used to get upset on purpose in my first relationship to get attention, and that had such disasterous results. I refuse to do it anymore as a result. I should be worthy of attention when I'm happy, moody, whenever. Except when I'm being a bitch, of course.

I....don't know the answer to your question about how badly I want to be married. I seem to be most preoccupied with hurting him, but I also fear that he will not remain even friends with me if we did divorce and that saddens and hurts me terribly. Even if we don't work romantically I wish I could somehow have him in my life.

I could try broaching marriage counseling...last time I ever mentioned it in relationship to our sexual issues he told me he would not be comfortable discussing those things with another person. So I'm not sure how open minded he is to counseling in general.

@ niceinjeans: I didn't mean to imply by my option list that I was seriously considering cheating, though after reading through it I can see why it looks that way now. I'd been typing for three hours at that point, so my bad. I just meant to put out there, "Hey, here's everything I can think of, what else is there?" No matter how badly I've wanted to kiss E, the image of Y being hurt over my deceit always has stopped me. And I hope that I continue to keep a level head and keep Y's feelings in mind until something is resolved one way or another.

@ lovefromgirl: I feel a bit taken for granted, too. When I'm upset he does respond very affectionately and lovingly as I desperately want him to, but as I said above to dingedheart's response I refuse to use me getting upset as a tool to get the attention I want. I shouldn't *have* to. He should be that affectionate whenever and randomly.

I guess to answer what makes Y husband material I have to ask myself what I'd want in a husband. Intellectually and physically I do feel largely platonic about Y. He does love to cuddle in bed at night and that is VERY nice, but that's...about as far as it goes. Emotionally I am attached to him. I remember that first year and have a bit of trouble letting go that we couldn't be that way again, when compliments from him rained from the heavens and he treated me like the sexiest thing alive. But I've been there before with a previously relationship, and it's dangerous to get hung up on how wonderful the relationship started out. Minus the neglect of my romantic needs I live my life pretty peacefully from day to day, which is a lot better compared to some relationships I've seen or been in that are emotionally just abusive. I'm at ease with Y in the apartment, and I'm a pretty socially awkward person. I don't know. When I'm upset and he gets upset slivers of his old sweet and cuddly self poke through, and I guess I just latch onto that so readily. And then hurt later when it doesn't happen again for a long time.

I find it interesting you bring up my education as a red flag. In addition to wanting to work on my marriage, I was so miserable that I never had time to enjoy for myself. Also, I got a new job that I am very content with right now and I live decently off of it. I'm debt free right now, and a four-year college would put me in enough debt that I am uncomfortable with the thought. My apartment was a mess because I never had time or energy to clean it, and both Y and E are pretty bad about cleaning up after themselves (though Y is vastly better than E at it). I wanted to write a book that's been floating around in my head for a few years. So, while the relationship was definitely a motivating factor, it was one of many. I may go back for a BA eventually, but I'm not looking at it immediately right now.

Financial security is an important variable in relationships. I wouldn't want to live with someone who couldn't hold a job....independence and responsibility is attractive to me and not having to worry about house and bread does help one attend to a relationship better. Or at least, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs would seem to indicate as much. However, all that said it's not making me stay with Y by itself. My emotional attachment and concern for him is...but if I were to weigh his better points, responsibility with money and not being emotionally overbearing would be at the top of the list with him. Still, if I needed I make enough to do fine on my own.

Hmm...and Y. I just don't know, I'm inclined to agree with you that after so much experience one becomes cynical and doubtful of it ever improving. I haven't barraged him with my concerns, but I feel over time I have brought them up enough that he's not making it a priority to make them a permanent thing to be conscientious of. He says he needs to be reminded, but I've been trying to remind him in my own way all the time and he just doesn't see it. It's a communication disconnect in that regard.

And you're right. E hasn't done anything wrong, so asking him to move out does seem kind of shitty now that you mention it.

Telling Y seems incredibly scary, but it is one of the options I listed that I am heavily considering. I do need to grow a pair, I do know this. Or erm, woman up since I'm not a guy. I was so confident when I first dated Y and to see myself have so little conviction in myself is kinda pathetic, comparatively.

I've been telling myself to a large degree that a lot of marriages end up platonic, and I feel largely I'm being unresponsible for wanting to follow my heart instead. I want to be free though. To be who I want to be.

I don't know that E would be able to handle me wanting to date other guys from some things he's said, but we could at least date and find out I suppose. And NOT get married before getting that one squared out. Eh. My brother implied that leaving Y and dating E afterwards would be dishonorable somehow and that's bothering me somewhat. I can see why I suppose, but still. I'm trying to be good about this despite the situation. And I'd like Y and E to remain friends if at all possible.

Anyway, thank you all for your input, and I appreciate more if you guys have it.
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