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Old 05-01-2012, 02:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by falone View Post
I was warned about how he felt and stepped over that line. My biggest fear is that he not see it as an intentional disrespect of his boundaries. I respect him and the relationship that he is in.

I am feeling frustrated that my play with Detritus might be limited. I want to understand more about where her husband is coming from and anything I might be able to do to make things easier. Ultimately it is the boundaries and rules between them that will be worked on. I always feel uncomfortable when other people are making decisions that has an affect on my relationship with someone else. I do however understand the need to feel secure in a relationship, and not have another relationship shoved in your face overly much. I would like us to all walk away from this stronger, and perhaps even more connected than we are right now.
Falone, I don't think it is necessary for you to know where her hubs is coming from on this issue. That is a private matter between between Detritus and him. It is understandable that you feel frustration if the boundaries seem too restrictive, but you can find "freedom within the harness," as a wise teacher of mine used to say. We all have restrictions in life. And again, those boundaries are for them to work on between them -- and then you have the choice of whether to abide by them or walk away. Leaving marks accidentally is one thing, but you say you "were warned" and still were not as vigilant as you could have been, and then "stepped over the line," which all sound like willful choices you made (on some level - probably out of frustration), and that is not an option, nor acceptable. Though it is obvious how much you regret that.

I think it would go a long way if you talk with her husband and let him know you respect him, their marriage, and the boundaries they have, and sincerely apologize -- and then make sure you follow up and are never that lax about your watchfulness again. I would imagine that a good Dom should always have unwavering focus and attention on what is happening. I also suggest having arnica cream or massage oil on hand just in case.

I'm sure it will all work out. It sounds like everyone is communicating.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2012 at 05:34 AM.
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