Hi, I am the Boy Friend who is into BDSM
I want to say first how amazing Detritus and her husband are.
The first meet of Detritus's husband, after we were involved, was really nice. I came to a house warming party, and even stayed after to chat. I think he is a stand up a guy and I am lucky to have him as a paramore.
I wanted to come on here and give a bit of the story from my point of view; in the hopes of helping us all get through this. Feel free to ask me questions, and would gladly take any advice on how I can contribute positively to this situation.
First a bit about me, I am a second generation poly and BDSM practitioner. I have grown up going to socials participating in discussions, and generally being involved in the community. I did not start practicing either of these until about 3 years ago. I have had several successful relationships, and no few play partners. I am not a master at BDSm but certainly know enough to be safe and well informed on what I should not attempt.
Me and Detritus have been dating for 3 months, during that time we have experimented with some BDSM play. She had gone home once or twice with some bruising and we had a sit down where she explained how her husband was not comfortable with it. With this in mind we kept playing, for the most part I have been really good about bruising and marks. The scene before this one we had used a flogger and she did not mark at all.
At the evening in question I over did the scene, I used the same floggers but was not as watchful as I should have been. I left some significant swelling and bruising by the time I was done. I have been struggling with feelings of guilt and apprehension for the situation I have caused. I was warned about how he felt and stepped over that line. My biggest fear is that he not see it as an intentional disrespect of his boundaries. I respect him and the relationship that he is in.
I am feeling frustrated that my play with Detritus might be limited. I want to understand more about where her husband is coming from and anything I might be able to do to make things easier. Ultimately it is the boundaries and rules between them that will be worked on. I always feel uncomfortable when other people are making decisions that has an affect on my relationship with someone else. I do however understand the need to feel secure in a relationship, and not have another relationship shoved in your face overly much. I would like us to all walk away from this stronger, and perhaps even more connected than we are right now.
Thanks all for reading a bit from where I stand. Again I am here to answer any questions, or listen to any suggestions people might have.