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Old 04-30-2012, 06:47 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
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Taking it as I read:

-- Your husband was taking you for granted after that first year. Becoming a hobby widow is one of my dealbreakers and I personally would not have stuck around if the most he could give me was the occasional morsel of support. By itself, the sexual incompatibility can be worked around, but combined with his lack of presence in your relationship, I am wondering at this point in the narrative whether you should've bothered marrying him. That's not the death of puppy love/NRE. That's him pulling way the hell back for no apparent reason.

-- Yes, moving someone in when your marriage is broken and you are attracted to that someone IS a bad idea! However, you were then able to see the difference between E (who was making an effort) and Y (who frankly was not).

-- What is it with having to spruce up our appearances when our partners are the ones screwing up?! Do men do that when the situation's reversed?

-- No wonder your self-esteem's out of whack. You've been scrabbling for crumbs of positive attention from your husband. That's not right. What does Y have at this point that makes him husband material, not just a platonic best friend?

-- RED FLAG: You cannot ignore the education you need because your marriage is in trouble. Do you, for yourself, want/need more than an AA? Also, staying with someone because he provides financial security is pretty shitty. Are you an adult or aren't you? Short of disability issues, you should be well able to feed and house yourself. You can have E and look for someone else who loves you if you want the poly, but staying with Y because he's mature (and he isn't really, not emotionally) sets you up for disaster down the road.

So, as for your options:

DEFINITELY tell Y about your feelings for E, possibly even with E there, and talk over the polyamory option. Then woman up and be ready for the consequences. Do not cheat. Do not evict E (he hasn't done anything wrong). I personally would ditch Y, be with E, and focus on being poly with E and someone TBD, but I am picky like that and, as I've said, would've ditched Y once I saw him pulling away. There's just no reason to stay if his efforts to change won't last, and you know they won't from past experience. Maybe the sixteenth time's the charm? Great, but your needs will go unmet.

And go back to school. In this economy, you need a four-year degree unless your AA is just that specialised. If a full four-year seems too much, learn a trade. Figure out who you want to be and pursue her. You won't ever be happy if you don't, not even if Y morphs into Mister Perfect overnight. Learn to look after yourself; you may find you can love based on what's right for your heart, not just your practical side.
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