Y saw the letter the next day, and he did up his game that one day. We had some pretty hot love-making. And he's reduced the porn usage, but his reluctance to have intercourse with me due to some reason or another was back before you knew it, so I'm sad to say that the porn usage doesn't seem to be the reason affecting his distant behavior. It's been two weeks now. Then I got semi-intoxicated on margaritas and was a bit flirty with E, and while nothing physical happened something emotional did. He rested his forehead on mine like he always likes to do (to my great awkwardness), but this time I have to ask why he was being so close to me. He answers, "I don't know." I'm pretty sure he loves me and I love him, and only our conscience is keeping us from admitting it openly. More than anything I wanted to express my love for him without it meaning I was being dishonest to Y.
That brings me to this last week. Since that night I've run through every possibility in my head. Out of all the options available to me I think I would be the happiest person alive if I could just have both of them. E would balance out Y's intimacy issues, while Y would balance out E's immaturity issues. I could have the comfort of complacency and financial security while still having my emotional and intellectual needs met. If Y wasn't in the mood it wouldn't be a big deal, because E probably would be. And if E was being an immature jerk, Y tends to be able to level him out some. To me having the two of them would strike a balance in my life, whereas being alone with either one of them would not because I'd be missing something either way....does that make any sense...?
I know if somehow Y agreed to polyamory it wouldn't be as simple as what I just described. I know this whole situation has red flags screaming everywhere, polyamory option or not. What I regret most is that my issues with Y initially fueled the attraction to E. If my relationship with Y was better and this attraction thing still happened I'd be having far less doubts about the polyamory option. However, I've seen the advice sites for polyamory and I know I'd be a fool to think that polyamory will save my marriage. But I also feel like I need to be able to share my body with others, to love other people without being villainized for it. I could very well meet another male down the road that I may also love, and I want the freedom to do so. I'd of course try to give Y and E the same freedom, provided they are safe about it. Am I suited for marriage at all, being like this? Also, I realized when I married Y that I made a commitment to be monogamous to him, so to want to rewrite that contract is risking the entire relationship and I know it. I also hate that it could damage Y's friendship with E. I have in a sorts cheated on Y emotionally and I can't take that back now.
I do now think it's possible to love more than one person, and if I had better indication of that before marrying Y I would have told him. There were warning signs of my leanings before that but being brought up in the social constructs of monogamy I never paid them much thought. I always sexually loved the idea of being with two guys at once, for example. And with my previous boyfriend I was attracted to every guy under the sun. But I tell my brother and confidant about all of this and his reaction is that my love for E is nothing but something to combat my issues with Y, and that it wouldn't exist if Y magically did the things I want him to. Maybe initially that was true, but the last few months the idea of asking E to move out kills me. Like it's wrong somehow. And my brother says that an "open marriage" is not a marriage at all. From what I've seen of your folk on this board, I am heavily inclined to disagree....you are some of the most intellectual and open-minded people I've seen, and you take your commitments very seriously. Which is why I hope that despite my insanely long story you guys will have some helpful insight. Hell, maybe a couple of you can relate and keep me from doing something really stupid.
To me, these are my options:
-Divorce Y on the merits of our issues, and be able to date who I want on the terms I want. Probably an open relationship, if at all possible.
-Cheat on Y with E, while feeling guilty as hell. And wishing I could have E's kids as well as Y's. Doesn't seem like a pleasant option. (All of us currently do not have kids, btw.) And E sucks at hiding things very well, honestly.
-Tell Y I have feelings for E, and see where the communication leads things. Maybe broach the polyamory idea. Seems like a really volatile and unpredictable option that still could implicate divorce, seeing as I've emotionally betrayed him in a way, even though not physically. But it would have the added bonus that I'm finally being honest about everything with Y. I feel detached from Y because he doesn't know what I'm going through right now.
-Perpetually continue the track I've been on, which is to work on my relationship with Y, with him oblivious to the full extent of my feelings for E and try to be happy to have E as a good friend and room mate. For as long as his room mate status will be allowed to last. This is what I've been doing and it hurts like hell and I'm crying all the time because I want to be with E too. And not have Y hate me for it.
-Have E move out without him really knowing why, making up something like Y and I want more alone time. Don't like that option because he'll still flirt with me when he visits, because the idea would be to salvage Y's and E's friendship.
-Tell E that I have feelings for him and that's why he needs to move out and not flirt with me when he visits. I'd have to try to let him go and hope I can work out my marriage better that way. And hope he doesn't try to do something with the knowledge I love him, and hope I can get over my regrets with Y and not fall for someone else later.
-Maybe you guys have a better option in mind besides these ones, or can provide insight on these options.
Any and all input would be greatly appreciated. I need to hear hard words if you think they are somehow deserved. I'm so emotionally entrenched I really have a hard time seeing this situation with much perspective at all. More than anything I don't want to hurt E and Y...but I'm hurting instead right now. No matter what I do someone is going to be hurt, which is what makes this situation so excruciatingly painful for me. I wish I felt differently so this all could be avoided altogether....but I can't make myself not want some attention. Been trying not to want it for the past four years with little success. And I care about both these men tremendously and I want them both to be happy. I hate the idea that I hold the potential to turn both their worlds upside down, but I'm abusing myself the way things remain now. So which option will hurt the least....? I'm not sure if there's even an answer to that question.
I apologize for the length of this, I didn't realize there was a character limit. I wanted all the facts out there, I guess.