I started to have some pretty intense feelings for E, so for the first time I revealed my crush and relationship issues to a close friend of mine we'll call D. I told D I was freaked out about having feelings for someone else, and D encourages me to write a letter to Y talking about our relationship issues since those were paramount on my mind too. Because of school I never got around to the letter, but D gave me all kinds of hope that Y could learn to be intimate the way I needed so I regained new focus on my relationship with Y. Our relationship seemed to do much better, and my crush on E subsided during this time so that helped too. This period of about eight months was probably the most successful of Y's and my marriage, mainly because I was able to accept on some level Y's intimacy issues, and Y fed off of my positive attitude. Plus E frustrated me a good six of those eight months, so my crush was not very intense during that time.
E has ADD and does not know how to control his voice volume. Long story, but he kept waking me up when he and Y would get home around 7am from working the night shift with his energetic talking. I'd wake up, tell E to please be quieter, then go back to sleep. I woke up so many times over the next six months it was ridiculous, because he really can't help himself on that issue. So I got kinda pissed at him, until I finally lost my cool six months later and told him I couldn't even consider him my friend unless he made serious efforts to accomodate my sleeping schedule. I told him I was hurt that my well being didn't seem to matter to him.
He felt terrible. The strides he took to accomodate me were so amazing I really wish I'd blown up sooner. He got a fan to help muffle the sound, and he made huge attempts to be quieter. If he slipped up later he'd write notes on the mirror apologizing or treat me to some food. And just like that feelings resurfaced again, because he no longer appeared to be an inconsiderate jerk to me anymore. Also, it demonstrated that he did value me enough to work seriously on one of his flaws.
And here I've been trying to get Y to meet me on a level with no success. Wheels in my head start turning. Still, I love Y and want us to work so I try to up my game and disregard the feelings. I put significant effort into my appearance during last summer (2011), and three times in particular I wore something special (once for a wedding, the other two just because). All three times everyone complimented me except Y. And E was particularly quick to comment how nice I looked.
I got so frustrated, so tremendously fed up with how oblivious Y was. I'd sit next to him in fishnet stockings and shorts without him batting an eyelash while E drooled next to him (I'm physically fit and take decent care of myself). Even my brother said the outfit looked nice. Even though Y and I had some pretty intimate intercourse shortly before this incident, I needed to be acknowledged outside the bedroom. E provided that acknowledgement in noticing me and always wanting to do stuff with me. E would have his video game and tv moments too, but he always acknowledged me when I wanted and he was always excited to talk to anyone, me included. Feelings for him raged at this point. Here comes another mistake of mine...my self-esteem all out of whack, I naturally gravitate towards spending time with E because I felt good about the attention he gives me. E and I spent all kinds of time around each other just joking around. We have hardly much in common but that seemed to make the experience more exhilirating. There wasn't anything boring about being around E as he's always exposing me to things way different from anything I used to think was fun. He has big dreams and doesn't settle for complacency much. In addition I learn he's a hopeless romantic and I begin to learn about his family and in general what makes him tick. I start to care for him in a capacity beyond attraction, and that REALLY made me scared.
He's pretty immature compared to Y, and even reckless I suppose. But he's very sweet and caring in a lot of ways. He's easier to have intellectual conversations with about deep stuff, whereas Y would change the subject to something light and frivolous. And E gets what romance is. He's always trying to push Y to do something romantic with me, but Y resists and think his advice is silly or cheesy. E is arrogant though, and doesn't take criticism well. He's got faults just as well as Y has faults.
I gave Y some pretty cold treatment after the not-noticing-me three times event, and he was distressed about it. E caught me crying and dragged out of me that I was upset about Y not complimenting me. E feels compelled to help our relationship and talks to Y about the issue. Y still struggles, but after I was mad again over something petty in the kitchen Y asks me in a scared voice what he was doing wrong, and something snapped in me that Y didn't mean to make me feel unloved. His voice was so distressed and I felt horrible for causing him to be that way. Y just wants me to be happy with him. I cried one night trying to sort through my confusion when it occured to me that I really liked living with both Y and E. I seriously pondered, do two guys live with a girl in this country successfully? I found this website, and I've looked on lots of others as well. For the first time in a while I felt like I finally understood something about myself, and I liked the openness and frankness of a polyamorous setup. I don't want to leave Y. But I want E too. But did I want E to just fill the gaps left by Y, or do I love him on his own merits? I think my feelings started out as a way to fill the gap, but as time passed I think I've grown to love E too. Still, I knew Y probably would not be open to polyamory. He always said he'd leave me if I ever cheated and I have no reason to doubt that. Y always said he doesn't share, either. I read a topic on this board about a couple of situations not far from my own that seemed to be turning out badly, so I reconsidered the polyamory option. Y disregarded me during a three-day convention while E and I had a pretty swell time. Still, the idea of losing Y because of me suggesting polyamory seemed too much to bear.
So I again try to recommit myself to working on the relationship with Y. Fall semester having already started, I decided the best course of action would be to be around E as little as possible. I'm home so little that it isn't too hard to pull off, but E isn't used to all the reduced attention all of a sudden. I realized I probably sparked something in him, and he has the hardest time leaving me alone when I want to do homework. Still, I stick by the routine and find myself feeling better about my relationship with Y. E starts trying to ask this one girl out, and I realize I feel pretty jealous about this, but I try to ignore it. I'm feeling better attached to Y as of last November. However, as soon as school is over I am exposed to E more again. And the feelings still very much were there. For the next few months my thoughts are highly consumed with wanting to be with him, and even feeling some resent that I can't be with E without hurting Y.
I decide not to pursue my bachelor's, having gained my AA. Largely because I knew I needed time to try to work on my relationship with Y, and I was poorly equipped to talk to him while I was so busy. The extra time at home seemed to be making me feel more resentful of the lack of attention Y gives me, as now we don't have the excuse of me being gone all the time to justify it. Y was dedicating 3-5 times a week to watching porn instead of trying to do something like that with me, and I'm still a perpetual video game and tv widow. If our connection was good I could have cared less about the porn, but I feared it was contributing to his lack of excitement about me. Maybe the porn was an age-old habit that if rectified, he'd be better about paying attention to me. So after spending a relatively boring one-week vacation with him with little interaction and porn usage abound, I finally wrote him a letter. Telling him the porn was hurting me and that I needed more attention such as flirting, comments, and in general acknowledging my existence and being interested in my life. Else I didn't think the relationship would work. Many of these things are things I've mentioned before, numerously.
E caught me in the middle of this crisis and I showed him my letter, and he spent that entire day consoling me. I was feeling very pessimistic about my prospects with Y, yet E, being the good friend he is, persisted in discussing ways to help Y and I work. I told him Y feels threatened by him so he might want to tone down how he interacts with me, and E swears he's not trying to take me away from Y. It seems like E really doesn't want to be the cause of a messy situation, even though he's clearly attracted to me and is open about such stuff around Y. We went to laser tag later that day and some women thought we were a couple and I found myself wishing we were. At this point we've become so used to each other after living with each other a year and a half that I think a lot of people who see us in public come to that conclusion now. There is no doubt that E and I do share some sort of deep connection.
(Continued on next post)