Originally Posted by DevotedGeek
I'm a strong believer in cementing one relationship before adding another. Do you feel like you've had enough time together yet, just the two of you? What stage do you consider the two of you in this relationship: casually dating, serious and committed, etc.? And where do you want it to be? Is there some more development that you want in your relationship before opening it up? Or perhaps the opposite, is the relationship too serious and important to open up?
I also agree with RedPepper, that you may need additional reassurance from him, and that's perfectly normal and reasonable. The tricky part is that if you don't know what you need, it's unlikely he will either. How do you feel about the relationship right now, if you forget about the issue of mono vs poly and just focus on the two of you together?
The first issue you raised touches on something my partner and I disagree about. He believes that if a relationship is going to be poly, it should be poly from the beginning -- transitioning from mono to poly is too hard. He has had more experience than I have, but I lean toward what you're implying -- that a solid mono-ish foundation is a prerequisite for functional additional relationships.
We are both about as serious as you can get about the relationship, which I think is why this is weighing on me so heavily. Neither of us particularly values marriage, so that's a non-issue, but he really, really wants to have children soon and I have slowly come around on the issue. So we end up vacillating between "let's have a baby!!!" and "maybe this isn't working and we should break up." It feels (is) really unhealthy and frustrating to be swinging wildly between those two extremes. (We won't be making any irreversible decisions until this issue is worked out.)
I don't know how to say about my feelings about the relationship. It's hard to separate the relationship from the poly issues. Before things really opened up, I was feeling good but not great. There were a couple minor issues I had raised, and my partner had begun to address.
But since the poly issue became central, our relationship has been perpetually on the rocks. We have been forced to get a lot better at communicating and resolving conflicts, which is promising.
When it comes to the issue of not feeling loved/reassured -- I'm just not sure how much that has to do with the poly/jealousy issues. It was a problem in earlier stages of the relationship, so when I was grasping for explanations for the extreme jealousy I was feeling, it was the best thing I could come up with. The more I think about it, though, the less it seems to be a true statement, and the less I really think it relates to the poly problems.
I might be wrong. I really have no idea. I have never been more confused about my own thoughts and feelings than I am right now.