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Old 04-29-2012, 12:05 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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I am 52, female, heterosexual.

1. Who is all inclusive of your polyamorous group?
Currently, I have one lover-friend. We both date other people, but I have no other steady lovers at the moment.

2. How many partners do you have that you live with?
I live alone and have no desire to cohabit with anyone nor designate someone as a partner.

3. How long have you been together?
My lover-friend and I have been seeing each other for ten months.

4. Did you start out in a monogamous relationship and then change to Polyamorous relationship? Why?
If, by this, you mean transitioning from monogamy to polyamory within the same existing relationship, no. I was in a monogamous marriage for over ten years. When it ended, I chose to embrace polyamory as a solo practitioner.

5. Who has the most decision-making power and why is that specific person in the group given that power?
My lover-friend and I both consider each other's wishes, but I make my own decisions and he makes his own decisions. ???

6. Do you share bank accounts?
No. I will probably never do that again with anyone.

7. What are the gender dynamics of your relationship i.e. do you stick to the same gender roles as do those in monogamous relationships?
I do not fully understand this question. Monogamous relationships are not all the same as far as "gender roles," and neither are poly relationships. I think, if people communicate with each other, the person who is best at something is put in charge of it. When I was married and monogamous, my husband made twice as much money as I did, and we pooled all our income in one account. I was in charge of paying the bills. We did not think of it as my money and his money - it was our money. Now that I am solo poly, I take care of myself. But I'm not sure if I'm answering your question properly, as I am still confused about what you are looking for regarding gender dynamics.

8. How does money affect your choice in who is going to be accepted in the group?
I don't have a "group" to accept people into, but if I decide to take on a new lover, I think money can play a part as far as what we can do together, how often we can go out, or if either of us would have to travel to see each other (as in a long-distance relationship). But since I do not co-mingle funds with anyone and am independent, I don't have to ask my lover-friend for permission to take on a new lover, if that is what you mean.

9. When you go out how do you determine if you take everyone or just one person? How does that determine the budget of the evening?
I am independent, live alone, and relate one-on-one with any other lovers I may have. Sometimes he treats, sometimes I do, sometimes we go Dutch. If I have a first date with someone new, we will either go Dutch or whoever did the asking out will pick up the tab. Even if I had four lovers (my poly dream!), unless we were a few years down the road and everyone knew each other, my gaggle of men and I wouldn't be going out on group dates. If there is something big, like an opportunity to go to an event or take a vacation together, we would just figure out what is fair and who can afford what.

10. Other than sharing bank accounts or budgeting how do you guys handle the money issues in your relationship?
As with any issue, it can be managed and handled with honest and direct communication, and by making no assumptions. See #9.

11. Do you talk about money issues in the relationship?
Yes, because my lover-friend and I are both really broke, so we have to bring it up.

12. How satisfied/happy are you with regards to the current money situation in your relationship? If you are not happy, how would you change it?
I'm fine with my situation in terms of my relationship with my lover-friend, but I am not fine with my overall financial situation, which is rather dire right now. I am struggling. But that is my responsibility and no one else's. The changes I need to make are within my own personal circumstances, and are not my lover-friend's concern. He has his own to worry about. But together, I love the fluidity of how we work things out regarding money.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-29-2012 at 12:20 AM.
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