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Old 04-28-2012, 09:18 PM
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Octovus Octovus is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ottawa, ON, Canada
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Exclamation Feeling loss as a V "end" - the empty bed

Hey folks,

This is as much stream of consciousness as an advice request...if you have thoughts to share, I am eager to hear them and happy to listen with an open mind.

Perhaps I am not cut out, here and now, to be one end of a V.

At the moment, I find myself at one end of a 3-male (mid-20s) V. The hinge has been my LTR live-with guy for 3+ years. Always sexually open to one-offs, etc., but poly (the L word and long-term sex with one other person) is recent. The other V end, about 3 months.

I've thought, since I came into poly, that a triangle (however lop-sided) would suit me more. Of course, I have never experienced it. However, having lived in the V for 3 months, I still feel that way.

This is because the V feels awkward to me for a few reasons, reasons I have examined and reasons that I think are fairly deep and basic for me - not insecurities or jealousy, but real desires for what I want in a long-term relationship:
-Amount of time spent together
-Sexual connection on-going with one other person
-Long-term questions (not as deep a reason as the others, maybe insecurity)
-The empty bed :-)


To break those down a bit.

Time spent together.
I truly enjoy couple's time. Not in a controlling or always-need-to-be-with way. After all, I work 40 hours and have some volunteer interests. The hinge works fairly opposite evening/weekend hours. Overlapping free time is already limited. Thank heavens we live together! He does spend several nights a week staying overnight with the other end, and that's something the other end needs for the V to work for him. Yet, I truly enjoy visiting friends and going to parties with the hinge, more than I do when I go separately. Not in a "oh my I can't do this I can't handle being separate and this sure sucks," way but in a, "I sure would enjoy this more if G was here, and I really miss him" (G = hinge) way.

Sexual connection.
G and I have a very strong sexual connection that keeps growing. Amazing. To some extent, my hesitance for one additional on-going sexual connection can surely be fear of "rivalry." Being open to one-offs or occasional flings/visits is fine with me. The former deal was, we dish to each other, one-offs only, or play together; makes it fun for both of us. The current deal is, G has a sexual area in his life in which I truly do not get to join in or explore with him. Again, I distinguish my feeling from a "that's horrible and terrifying and wrong, gah!" attitude to a, "I truly wish I could be there and participate with him" feeling. I don't desire to control his sexual activities, and I do acknowledge and work through my fears about sex with him. Yet that other base feeling is there...I feel left out and lonely.

Long-term questions. This isn't as deep. Fears and wonders about where a V, especially our current V, could be in months, years, etc. We don't know. Duh. Life is unpredictable. Duh. Yet, as a couple before poly, we surely talked often about years, decades, thinking we might grow old together. It was easy to hold that vision in my head. Not cling to it, but just as a nice reminder of what things could be in a while. I have a harder time picturing this with poly. Perhaps it's still the same picture, with even more loving folks added in here and there to bring more joy and love along :-)

The empty bed.
I think this speaks for itself. As I feel, right now, unready for any new romantic relationships in my own life; and feel quite limited in dating options, given the relatively small city I live in, with a limited gay population, and that I already have an LTR partner firmly in place (further limits who is interested in you - I must be upfront about this, that's just a basic part of me too) - all narrows this down. Casual sex is one thing, but doesn't answer the empty bed part, because sex isn't the problem here. It just really is nice to have someone you love sleeping next to you, and I miss that when G spends the night with his other. Sometimes terribly, sometimes not much at all.

So - all of the above are some feelings of loss that I think are true, and deep, and real feelings, not life-long insecurities or little ticks or quirks that I can shed easily. They exist because, at present, I am one end of a V.

Do these thoughts sound valid to you? Do you have ideas how they might contribute to our V, or a possible triangular situation, going forward?


I know we can't force a triangle; I'm also not sure I can force myself to work in a V! At least not quickly, not quickly enough, perhaps, for this V to continue functioning. And I have certainly communicated ALL OF THIS to G, and some of it to the other "end" of the V. I am just seeking out here for further opinions.

I can see dating in my future, and think I will pursue it. Yet, I do suspect that even with a new partner "firmly" in place, the other V would still feel awkward/loss for the above reasons.

For what it's worth, we've become quite open with friends and most family about our lifestyle over the last few months.

Thank you for reading, and sending you virtual hugs,
-A
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