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Old 04-28-2012, 04:26 AM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 14
Default Working through it

Hi Kevin and NYCindie,
Thanks for your replies, although NYCindie it did sting a bit when you said that we shouldnt be poly on another thread-I can understand the frustration as I was focusing on sex too much-which came to a boil point last week. As I mentioned Blu was no longer interested in seeing Bent because he had a gf and was unwilling to tell her. Blu didn't like that aspect of his personality obviously and didn't want to see him anymore-but yes, Kevin, she was disappointed because she was getting NRE and then all of a sudden she was cut off from it.

Last week we went out and had fun, danced but the sex just wasn't working between us. So last sunday, it got to a point where she told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married anymore. She added that we shouldn't have sex anymore.

At first, hearing those things hurt and I felt pretty shitty all week. I work in a different city during the week and having that weigh on me while trying to work was very trying. It was for her as well because everything was cut short , she didn't feel interested in anything, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. She didnt want me to phone.

The past two days we have spent together and last night had a good talk. She felt that every time we were intimate I would bring up Bent and she wondered if I wanted him more than I wanted her. She also realized that when I had told her that I was bi before we got married that she sort of went into denial. I told her that at this point the sex doesn't matter to me, that its really the relationship between us. We both know that we can't go back to where we were-nor do we want to. We've turned the page...

As for where it goes from here, our first experience in this world was painful and rough. So I think that we will proceed at a better pace now. We will also negotiate our boundaries better and I will be more realistic about my ability to deal with all this in a way that is healthy. We've agreed to take a break on sex to process all this. So this week definitely finishes up happier than it began. The other thing that opened up was that now she seems willing to open the marriage both ways, so that we both can find lovers.

We still have a lot to work through before we plunge in again, its true we might decide not to be poly in which case she would likely find a mono guy, or we might decide we just like to swing. Whats important is that we have the time and space to talk about it now that Bent is out of the picture. So with that, we will be better prepared and stronger in our primary relationship. I do have a question-how do you meet partners that are trustoworthy? In your experience is it easier for you to pick your partners new lover, or do you have veto on potential new partners, or is it free for all? Interested in knowing....
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