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Old 04-28-2012, 12:43 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
I asked if he has a girlfriend and he replied that there are a couple of women he "hangs out with." I tried another approach and asked if any of these women had the expectation of monogamy with him, because if so I would not feel comfortable continuing. He assured me that I need not worry and all was fine (cause after all, I am the one that is married, not him). So, I'm wondering, am I being over the top for feeling uncomfortable if he has a girlfriend (FTR, I would be fine if he had a number of casual girlfriends, but anyone steady...concerns me)? If this is a legitimate concern should I call it off just in case? Thanks for any advice.
I would not be uncomfortable if he has a serious girlfriend per se, but only if he has a serious girlfriend who does not consent to a poly arrangement. I take it that that is what you meant, not that you only want to date men who have casual fuck buddies. Anyway, if he is cheating on her with you, and being dishonest about it, that is a situation in which I would not get involved.

It does sound like he is being evasive, and putting up a bit of a smoke screen. To answer a direct question with "Don't worry, it's fine," is a douchebag move, I think. When I ask a question, I want a direct answer! Not some nicety meant to placate me. Furthermore, I agree with Emm. If he was the one who said, "Nothing to worry about. Besides, you're the one that's married, not me," it indicates to me that he does not have a clear understanding of what polyamory is, and again that's really a douchey thing to say to you.

If I were you, I would ask to communicate directly with his girlfriend to find out if she knows about you and consents to poly. If he refuses, then I think you know he's a cheater. At that, I would walk. If it is that he doesn't have more than just a few casual relationships, then it might be too extreme to want to meet them, but I would make sure he really has a grasp on what poly is, because you don't want to feel like you're dirty (in a bad way, like sleazy) when you're with him, or like you're doing something wrong. And it sounds like he could be a "playa" who sees things that way, especially a married woman who "fucks around." Know what I mean?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 04-28-2012 at 12:48 AM.
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