Thank you so much to all. I had only read the first response before he was home. But we did sit down and talk for the evening about what is wrong with the situation so far. I feel a lot better about the situation this morning than I did yesterday. I believe that a lot of our problem is communication. I will meet her tonight and we three talk about what we each want or expect. What our the concern's and hopes for the future.
I didn't want this but I'm certain that I can accept it with reasonable boundries. I'm not sure I can embrace polyamory for myself but I do think its a natural way to live and love, so I can accept his choice to embrace it. Its only been two months (for me) and I think I've come along way from traditional monogamy already. What do I want? I would like the 33yr investment in a precious relationship to turn into an 80yr investment so we can celebrate our 104yr birthdays with our great great great grandchildren. I don't want to lose what we've been building on for 33yrs because of misunderstanding and miscommunication.
He did start the affair before he had read the books. But I believe he did that (people do that) because they need to. He'd never heard of polyamory but it is so much in his nature that he sought it in spite of traditional beliefs. I can't imagine his relief to find these writings and be able to believe that he is not a terrible person for what he's done because its natural to want to experience more. He did it out of order because he didn't know there was an order. It would have been nice to have been eased into it a little more gently and take it at a pace that I can manage but I hope we can put the initial failures as a newbie poly couple behind us and go forward in a more structured healthy open arrangement.
Thank you all again
Philosophical convert emotionally way better today~