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Old 04-27-2012, 12:27 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
Dear mostlyclueless,

I'm sorry if my opinion sounded harsh to you. I didn't take any time to couch it in polite language as I'd certainly have done in a face-to-face conversation. I could say, such are the perils of the internet, but that also probably wouldn't be helpful.

So, if you'll indulge me, instead I'll ask some questions whose answers I hope will help me see you as a more complete person than the quick generalized mental image I've created of you from the 2 threads of yours I've seen. Again, I apologize if the answers to these questions are out there and I missed them. (Such are the perils of the internet.) Here we go.

1. What is it about polyamory that's important to you? Why do you want to be polyamorous and/or have polyamorous relationships?

2. Why do you think you have such an intense, negative emotional reaction to the possibility of him falling in love with someone else?

3. Being as specific as possible, what do you imagine might happen in the future (which causes you to cry)?

All the best,
drtalon (who is a he and not a Dr.)
Sorry for overreacting. I guess it is apparent that this is a sensitive issue. Maybe this is just more self-deception, but I feel like I have been ruthlessly honest with myself, and so far it has caused a lot more additional pain and no relief or resolution yet. I understand the school of thought arguing that jealousy is a symptom of some kind of underlying problem -- I am not entirely convinced I believe it.

I have a hard time answering the kinds of questions that you're asking. I made the terrible mistake of getting an advanced degree studying human behavior, so I believe that often enough, the rationalizations we come up with for our behavior have absolutely nothing to do with the real reasons. On top of that, every time I try to answer these kinds of questions, the answers I come up with are not very satisfactory or convincing to me. I have to remain open to the hypothesis that jealousy is not evidence that there's something broken inside (insecurity, feelings of inadequacy) and is instead a normal (if not desirable) reaction to one's partner being intimate with someone else.

I don't know if I'm right, and I'm not saying this to argue with you or the other posters -- it's just something I've been thinking about. Unlike the stuff I do in the lab, I don't have the slightest idea how to find out which hypothesis is correct.

With all that ranting out of the way...I will do my best to answer your questions.

1. Polyamory is important to me because it seems more honest, more consistent with how humans actually behave, and it appears to create a construction that is more interesting and more full of love and connection and intimacy than the alternative.

2. I think I don't like the idea of my partner falling in love with someone else because some part of my brain is convinced that he is not really in love with me. That is not really it. When I say that, it only feels about 50% true, and as an answer to your question, it feels about 50% incomplete. It feels like there has to be more to it, because why would I have such a strong reaction to something I barely even believe? And even if I believed it, why should that belief cause that reaction?

3. When I think about the worst possible future outcome, I picture my partner giving up on trying to care about my feelings, and leaving me at home alone with his (currently non-existent) kids while he goes on fun dates and makes some other girl very happy.
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