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Old 04-26-2012, 10:28 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast, USA
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so last night was one of the worst nights of my entire life. i will make the recap brief. basically, i spent a lot of energy trying to make alex's birthday fun for her by planning a party, inviting all of our friends, decorating, getting food, etc. i had a lot of anxiety because we had had a difficult night the night before, and i really did NOT want to mess up her birthday. oh man. then, for some still unknown to me reason, i handed my phone to her to hold for me. i do not know why i did this! later everyone was looking all over for her, and it turned out she had been in the bathroom for a very long time, reading all of my texts. she did this with my email once before, so i should have known better, but really when it comes down to it i have nothing to hide. the problem is, from her insecure, panicked perspective she read into every conversation i had with K and other friends and made it mean that i had been lying to her about something. i am still not sure what in those texts made her think i was lying to her about something because she was never specific and i think i have been really honest (while sparing her the "gory" details, at her explicit request). she mentioned that fact that i called K "love" in a few of my texts (as in, "goodnight love") and a joke i had made to a friend about strapping it on for a guy, but its hard for me to believe she was that mad about those two things.

anyway, she came out of the bathroom livid. she took me outside and proceeded to yell at and berate me. called me a piece of shit and a horrible, evil person. she told me she hates me and its over. i went to turn away and she grabbed me hard by the collar and spun me around to face her. it was horrible. all of our friends were still inside. i walked away in the rain, without my coat or my wallet and got as far as i could. i stood in a doorway blocks away until my best friend came and got me. a friend later told me that alex went back into the party and talked to some folks about what had happened. then everyone dispersed.

talk about the most melodramatic ending possible.

i know this is my fault. i basically set it up to end this way. something had to give because i was too afraid to make the call myself, in a mature and proactive way. i was too scared of feeling the loss, too scared of alex's pain. i wanted her to end it but i didn't know what i would have to do to get her to. its such a chickenshit passive way to go about things but it is what happened. i guess it was my subconscious that knew that by giving her my phone i was giving myself an out. nothing in my conscious mind registered that. nothing in my phone was directly incriminating and i didn't feel like i had anything to hide. but it didn't matter. she reacted to what she made those texts mean in her mind, and she reacted the way she needed to react in order to be able to let me go.

ultimately i am grateful to her, even as i acknowledge that she invaded my privacy and that was wrong. i am glad she is taking some power back and that maybe now we can both truly start moving on.
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Gay 30-something female that just ended a committed relationship with a mono partner, Alex, and in the midst of NRE with a new lover, K.
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