Originally Posted by redpepper
When I am jealous its usually because there is some kind of change or adjustment to our dynamic because someone new is in our lives. I struggle with my partners trying to make space and time with others as it usually means its taken from me. I struggle with their gleeful NRE when we used to have that at some point. Only natural I think. I get threatened that their partner is a new shiny thing in my partners life and I am just that ol' faithful boring thing in their life. I get scared that really our relationship is over and I am not ready or feeling that way.
It's reassuring to know that feeling jealousy is 'okay', even as poly. Sometimes I think I'm not allowed to feel it (and feel ashamed when I do), or that I should strive to eliminate it completely. Well damnit, it doesn't work that way! I too will likely feel threatened if/when one of my partners starts to 'fall for' a new person. FWB situations/casual sex partners, I can usually handle. Sharing what I feel is my space and time in my partners' life to make room for another, as well as having to face the 'gleeful NRE' (as you put it) that will inevitably come with said new love, now that's going to be much harder to fathom and I hope I can find a way to work with it.
Originally Posted by feelyunicorn
I find polyamorists online (I`ve never met an example of the species IRL
) are exceptionally educated about a couple things:
a) the ability to feel feelings (including jealousy);
b) the ability to know the difference between feeling something and acting;
c) the ability to take responsibility for their own feelings;
d) the ability to communicate their feelings;
e) the ability to create boundaries;
IMO, if you have experience in the above, jealousy is not a problem. It may rather be a blessing.
I think that working on developing C) and D) is going to be key for me. I'm working on learning to take ownership for MY jealousy (whenever it rears its ugly head) and find a way to talk about it in a non-confrontational way.
I tend to bottle negative feelings up (until I inevitably explode), plus I have a hell of a time expressing those feelings without being overly emotional. From past experiences, that has the effect of putting my partners on the defensive and isn't conducive to good communication. Jealousy is neither a mono thing or a poly thing, it's a human emotion. I'm trying to find ways to cope with it in a constructive manner...being poly will only give me more opportunities I s'pose