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Old 11-27-2009, 06:34 PM
nyxangel nyxangel is offline
New Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Default Wow, where to start?!

Hi all,

let me start by saying I'm new and not quite sure where I fit in here as such. I don't know if I can be considered poly-curious just yet, but I find myself in a situation where I feel the wonderful people of the poly community (yes, that's you guys!) are the people to talk to and bounce some thoughts off.

A quick intro to who I (we) am (are). I'm an open minded, bi female in a 6 year mono relationship and as a couple we're active within the BDSM community. From the very beginning of the relationship we have discussed the idea of introducing a second female to the relationship on a sexual level. There's no pressure from either side, it's definitely something we're both equally interested in and neither of us feel the relationship is somehow lacking something as it currently stands. But we do feel a third person could bring a new and interesting dynamic. We are also both of the opinion that its more than possible to feel love for more than one person.

I suppose the fantasy is we'll find a mythical creature who will share our bed on a casual basis with no strings attached so to speak. Of course the reality could never be that simple. On a personal level we both agree that sex without some kind of emotional attachment to the other partner is just going through the motions. Although it might satisfy our physical desires it's not going to add anything to our lives as those physical desires are already being met. And coming from a BDSM background an emotional bond along with the trust and understanding it brings is vital to the activities we take part in. I don't think that level of emotional need can be satisfied by someone who just takes part in our sex life without playing a part in the rest of our lives too.

So what's holding us back? Well, nothing on my partners side, but fear on my part. Fear that I may not be able to work through any jealousy I may experience and fear that I may end up feeling inadequate somehow. Fear that once we've tried it we might decide the poly lifestyle isn't for us, but our relationship has been irreparably damaged by the experience. Is the reward worth the risks involved? I keep on coming back to the old adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pessimist by any means! I just want to make sure I'm prepared for the challenges we may meet along the way. It would have been so much easier if we had made the decision 6 years ago whilst the relationship was still new. But now I'm torn. His happiness is incredibly important to me. Worst case scenario, if the relationship morphed into a twosome that didn't involve me for instance and it made him happy then I think I would be happy for him. But of course I'd rather that sort of situation didn't occur in the first place!

So how do you do it? How do you get past that fear of the unknown? How do you deal with any jealousy that may occur? How do you decide that the risk is worth the possible rewards? Of course we can only make those decisions for ourselves, but I would really appreciate hearing some of your thoughts and opinions.
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