Yes, I realize “No one else can actually tell me the right and fair thing.” I said, he is clear what he wants, the latest is that, I am not so sure of that also. After these discussions, I got some perspective, talking to others, but, mostly talking to myself about my own narrative...and, it has helped me regain a lost composure, however, provisional.
I took that chance and dialled his number, and we had a decent conversation after almost a whole month. There were many hot points, and we also expressed anger and dissatisfaction, but, I persisted, and I have a feeling, he also did. I could do that also because I am becoming clearer about what I want, and this forum is also responsible...thank you....
He has decided to cut off from her, but, in practice it has not happened. this makes me feel safer, however empty that safety is. Also, the promise does not mean they have actually done that. They are still in touch over telephone, and she calls him to discuss “problems,” which means, about their relationship right now, I am sure. He will be seeing her after two months, when I wont be in the country. So, I am almost sure they wont be able to control passion, so, it would also be erotic. This future he does not admit, but, keeps saying, he has cut off, but he cant help calling since it would be inhuman to cut off from her totally.
He keeps justifying by saying, have i come between you and your friends? Would it be fair if I ask you to cut off from your ex boy friend (with whom I stopped all erotic relation the day I just started seeing him).
But, I also realize, he is demanding this space for himself to continue with this relation and the ease with which I used to move among my friends might not be possible anymore, since that would be demanded as the price for my jealousy. He is demanding payment for his “generosity” and I have to “pay” it? When I say, how can you compare relations which are not erotic (but, potentially so) to an actual erotic relationship, he says, it is possible, because in his mind the work he does and the civil way in which he takes my friendships is exactly the same!
Also, when i discussed, what if I turn these relations erotic? He got angry at that point, and shouted at me, saying, is this a question of competition? I have an affair, you have two? I felt humiliated, but, kept my anger at bay, since even this much communication was not happening between us, these days.
So,...yes, I must define what I want.
And, he is now claiming he is coming back to me, after two or three months, she will leave and that would be the end of their togetherness. But, the price I pay is very heavy, I suspect, for this coming back. Yet, I am not sure also...since these words might be coming at the heat of the moment, because till now, he has not controlled me. We have been able to actually joke about potential crushes and that was about all I was ready to go or “allow” him to go. But, that space was also precious for me. Will I enter into a totally silent relationship with him keeping his erotic relationship with the younger woman? I dread such a possibility.
Yes, I am hurting, but, this forum has definitely reduced my suffering to some extent. There has been surprising understanding from so many of you. I thought that as a person who is coming out more and more as a “mono” person (which I still don’t define myself as, but, my jealousy is increasingly making me aware, I might be), I would be mocked. (that is the way my husband speaks to me these days, though, when I suggest that I also start exploring, he starts saying, he has realized these are too difficult thigns to accomplish and he wants to come back, as a mono person).
I know I project him as an asshole, which he is not! I am pretty sure he has a better narrative about himself..and, beneath all these things, I think, I still see that our relationship actually might have some potential, which i do not want to throw away...