Originally Posted by wildflowers
Thank you for this. I'm a fan of processing and communicating a lot too, and have struggled at times with the fact that my boyfriend "just lives" more, is probably more instinctive in his actions and reactions. I generally accept this now, but with all the processing talk it is easy to feel like you're managing a relationship "wrong" if that isn't always happening. It's nice to hear an occasional approval for letting things be.
I have a similar experience, in that I've struggled at times with accepting that quality of Alec's. I do like processing a lot, and have sometimes felt frustrated with him because he is not like that. Doesn't mean that he doesn't talk, just that he doesn't analyse all bits and pieces to death. But I have felt that processing isn't really a need for me in a relationship, just in general in life, so I can do it with other people (friends, and nowadays also with Mya). I do feel there's a bit of a cultural pressure coming from "a partner must meet all your needs" -direction, and once I let that go, I was able to fully appreciate Alec as he is. That is priceless for me, because wishing somebody was different doesn't feel loving to me, and I have an extreme aversion to the whole concept of trying to change somebody.
I totally agree with what you wrote about JJ. That's the way to go!
Btw, Mya, I don't think the talk with Bob needs to be all that big unless you think that it has to and thus make it so. There's no rule that you can't just ask, casually "I was wondering how you feel about things between us and how often would you like us to meet. I was thinking X, how does that sound?". Then he says "I'm fine, I was thinking Y, does that work for you?", and you say, "Great". No Big Discussion. Unless either one of you directs it into the Big Discussion Ground, but you won't if you don't feel like you want to do that, and if he does then surely he's not scared of it. (You do need to know what X is, first. I.e. what you want.) What do you think?
[Unless a Big Discussion is what you want, which I think is totally fine even with casual, but I obviously don't know his thoughts.]