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Old 04-25-2012, 09:39 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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"I must add that he was not completely a manipulator when he did that because when we started our relationship, it was I who, hesitantly brought up the idea that perhaps we need to think of an open relationship, though, I had no idea what it was."
Well, what did you think it was at the time?

"For me, what was important was the possibility of another relationship should be open, but, I had no real need to explore it. Nor did I read him as a person who might and he had reassured me that he did not want to explore any other relationship."
Well, either he deliberately misled you at the time, or his feelings unpredictably changed later. In which case, he should have at least notified you the moment he developed any interest in this other woman, and found out what your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries were on the matter.

"But, he had not discussed it with me till he had reached a point of no-return with the new person."
Well that was where he did you (and her) wrong: taking it to the point of no return *before* communicating with you about it.

"I would actually like to find out what I can do ... since I have no control over his actions anymore."
Well that's the rub, isn't it; all of your choices will have to be about what *you* do. The first question you could ask might be, Are you going to leave him? and if you aren't, what are *you* going to do to improve the relationship? Perhaps finding out his love language would be a place to start -- a way of setting an example for him.

Also, before you proceed much further, you'll need to know crystal clear whether he can be monogamous (and stick to it), and if he can't, then you have to ask yourself if him being polyamorous is something you can live with. What are the conditions under which you can live with it? When you've decided that for your own part, then you can tell him about it, and at least he has fair notice about what would be a dealbreaker for you.

Other than that, you just need to keep up your efforts to communicate with him (as long as you're staying with him).

It sounds like both of you have some difficult times ahead. You are facing those times in the hopes that your relationship can be saved through them. That says something about how you (deep down) still feel about each other.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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