Originally Posted by kdt26417
Re (from desire
Well, I don't know so much what would be right/fair by her, since I don't know of her situation as well as I do yours. I think that on your part, he has moved too fast in his relationship with her and should probably slow it down. Perhaps he should even end it with her, if him being with her is just not something you can live with and be happy. But he's kind of "led her along," and so breaking up with her might not be fair to her. Did she know he had a wife (you) when she first got involved with him? Was she aware that this open/poly thing might be something that you would struggle with?
Plus he should show (each of) you that you are wanted (by him) in a way that you can emotionally relate to. For whatever causes/reasons, he's getting the message through intellectually, but not emotionally. What's your primary "love language?" Touch? Service? Gifts? Quality Time? Words of Affirmation? Whatever it is, he should be speaking to you in that "language."
It's actually be normal for you to be having some feelings of loss. Monogamy is presented to us as something of a "happily ever after dream," and throughout childhood (and adulthood), this message is reinforced, so that we start "dreaming that monogamous dream." Then, when a theretofore-monogamous relationship opens up (and becomes non-monogamous), your (involuntary) conditioning can cause you to feel like the "happily ever after" and "dream" has been lost. This is something you are probably grieving. As grief is a process, you shouldn't beat yourself up over not being able to "just get over it." You have to go through the steps of grief over time.
What else can be done to help the situation? Would setting a goal to "move back in together" in the same house/town be realistic or a good idea? What else would you need to feel comfortable with this situation?
After one of my "melt downs" where I shouted at both of them over the phone, he has decided to "end" it. right now, he has moved out of the city she is there, for the next two months. But, communication between them has not ended. True, I feel a bit more secure with that reassuarance that I am important in his life. (though, I feel shitty to have been dragged into this situation).
He does feel guilty for having "led her along,". He did that, surprisingly, by telling her that his wife would not mind! He never discussed these things with me while he was busy seducing the lady, I must add. I must add that he was not completely a manipulator when he did that because when we started our relationship, it was I who, hesitantly brought up the idea that perhaps we need to think of an open relationship, though, I had no idea what it was. I did this because I felt I did not want to "settle" into a dishonest trap that most so-called monogamous relationships would become. For me, what was important was the possibility of another relationship should be open, but, I had no real need to explore it. Nor did I read him as a person who might and he had reassured me that he did not want to explore any other relationship. In fact, I had felt insecure with other potential partners who were into multiple relationships. Yet, I also had gone through a very possessive relatioship just before I met him and it had felt shitty.
She did know he had a wife when she first got involved with him, because he told her. He also told her he was committed to me and he loved me.
But, he kept on reassuaring her that I would take the open/poly thing without struggle and he says, he himself believed it. But, he had not discussed it with me till he had reached a point of no-return with the new person.
All the advices are for him - I realize. I have no control over his actions and he himself is very averse to reading up on poly etc! (Strangely, I am the one who seems to be doing more theoretical work on poly than him who has just sprung it on me in practice!) I would actually like to find out what I can do...since I have no control over his actions anymore.
Yes - I think grieving is a process. But, I need to tell this to him. he expected me to just happily take this, congratulate both of them, and continue to love him the way I used to...and be happy to see the change. In my own life, there is no possibility of finding a new partner, nor do I have the emotional energy to actually do that since grief has filled me with such negativity that I am paralyzed. And, I also feel, now if i actually get involved with someone very deeply, he might feel rejected since he is suddenly talking the language of "coming back" (though he thinks he needs to give the girlfriend more emotional time to break up).
I have decided to move back together with him as a last ditch attempt to heal the relationship in about two months. (I cant go before that). I will take up a job near him. But, I have no hopes on our relationship anymore. He himself is going through a nervous breakdown kind of situation because he feels pulled by me and by her in opposite directions, emotionally.