Originally Posted by opalescent
The behaviors RP describes are abusive and not to be tolerated. But put those same people in a non-hierarchal structure, and guess what - still abusive behavior. We've seen people be treated horribly in non-primary/secondary structures. If someone, or a couple, is capable of treating someone with respect, care and love, then they will do so regardless of structure...
Many people make primary/secondary relationship work well for all involved.
Agreed. This is true, and I was thinking about that after I logged off early this morning. There are plenty of people who are caring and respectful within a hierarchical structure. They make it work for them. I would say that there are different flavors of hierarchy, just as there are different flavors of poly. I know that, even though I don't want a hierarchy in place for my own
relationships, the fact that I am solo and could connect with a married poly guy, I might be seen as a secondary in his
relationships. So, in that case, all I have to gauge the success of that relationship would be how I am treated. And that won't necessarily have anything to do with any label he applies.
We could go round and round on lots of aspects of non-monogamy and cite points that make one or another abusive, from one person's perspective. But from another person's perspective, it may not be.