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Old 04-25-2012, 06:13 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
The behaviors RP describes are abusive and not to be tolerated. But put those same people in a non-hierarchal structure, and guess what - still abusive behavior. We've seen people be treated horribly in non-primary/secondary structures. If someone, or a couple, is capable of treating someone with respect, care and love, then they will do so regardless of structure...

Many people make primary/secondary relationship work well for all involved.
Agreed. This is true, and I was thinking about that after I logged off early this morning. There are plenty of people who are caring and respectful within a hierarchical structure. They make it work for them. I would say that there are different flavors of hierarchy, just as there are different flavors of poly. I know that, even though I don't want a hierarchy in place for my own relationships, the fact that I am solo and could connect with a married poly guy, I might be seen as a secondary in his relationships. So, in that case, all I have to gauge the success of that relationship would be how I am treated. And that won't necessarily have anything to do with any label he applies.

We could go round and round on lots of aspects of non-monogamy and cite points that make one or another abusive, from one person's perspective. But from another person's perspective, it may not be.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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