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Old 04-24-2012, 11:59 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default Primary/secondary relationships cult mentality

I thought it would be helpful to consider the connection between cult like behaviours and poly primary/secondary ones. I have done a bit of research on cults, but am no expert. On poly? Well, I know some stuff about that, but again, not everything. So bare with me on this train of thought. I by no means mean to insult or point people out. I am going on observation in a general way and not thinking of anyone one person in particular. I find the comparison interesting and the perspective helpful in terms of my own life and how I want to be treated and how I want to treat others.

In cults people are coerced and manipulated into not leaving for various reasons and in various ways. Members are often not treated as equals. There is usually a peaking order of some kind. If someone steps out of line they are moved down that line or ostracized.

In consensual relationships there is suppose to be the option to come and go as one pleases. Sometimes there isn't in poly and mono relationships and manipulation happens in different ways. This to me is cult like behaviour.

I see *some* Primary/Secondary relationships people undertake as coming from a "cult" mentality. I see it in the D/s community most often. As an example: Master/Mistress has her favourites (usually a husband or a wife) and then has "toys" to play with that are yayed or nayed at their discretion. Everyone obeys Master or Mistress and they are the leaders of all. Much like a cult leader is. This is enjoyable and safe for some people. Provided they are not forced to stay in the situation.

In Poly I have seen and heard of similar behaviour when people look for a woman (or man) to "join" them as in a "unicorn hunting" sceanrio. That person is to be a secondary and take on the role subscribed to them. They are not to make a move without being told or without it being passed by the couple. If they are not working out and behaving as the couple thinks they should then they manipulated to achieve what the couple expects. Or they are dumped.

I have seen this cult mentality displayed in "vee" situations and in "triads" also. The secondary is sometimes meant to do as they are told and/or conduct a certain function or fulfill a certain expectation that might not suit them or their needs. If they don't or are an inconvenience because they have emotions and needs then they are sometimes vetoed by the primary partner of their partner.

In functioning some vees, triads, constellations, tribes... etc. where there is someone that wields the power over all the others it can look like a cult. Primary/secondary roles go beyond the idea that they are a structure created to protect finances, look after the raising of children etc. and take on a leader with his/her flock kind of mentality.

What are your thoughts on this?
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