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Old 11-27-2009, 12:43 PM
Alexandra Alexandra is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I hope you don't mind a few direct questions and statements...if so, no need to respond my friend
I'm happy to respond, especially to one so open hearted as yourself It's a great opportunity to explore and understand my own motivations and thinking.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
How?
You ask how T and I have re-connected after so many years. I'll start by asking a question of my own: I'm wondering why this is relevant? Especially since magdlyn has also asked the question.

We were together for two years when I was 15-17 and he was 16-18. I broke off with him, but not because I no longer loved him. My life was so different, I was going through some very tough and messy stuff, and my family had moved away from the area.

Over the intervening years, I have often thought of him and occasionally (like maybe three times) I'd phone his family home to send greetings and hear news. I didn't speak to him, only to his mum or dad.

Nine years ago, T phoned me (the only time we actually spoke with each other in the last 30 years). He got my number out of the phone book. We had a long conversation and when we hung up, I felt exactly as I had when we were together as teenagers. There was no gap between us. I was surprised by that, but acknowledged to myself that I was still connected to T, still in love with him. And I went back to my own life, enjoying the sense of love. About a year or two later I phoned his mum to send greetings. And so it went.

This last time I phoned (June) his mum said that the house was on the market and they were about to leave the area. Had I left it another month (and every time I've phoned in the past, I've procrastinated for at least a month), I'd have lost connection with T. (He's not a cyberspace person, no facebook or anything of that sort).

His mum offered to pass my number on to T, and to my surprise he phoned me within the week. It quickly came up in conversation that he had never stopped loving me, and I couldn't help telling him that I too felt love for him.

Because I am accustomed to feeling connected and emotional intimacy with people other than L, I didn't think this would be any different. But of course, somehow, it is. Perhaps because he and I were so in love when we were youngsters? Perhaps because he is not a part of my life with L? I don't know.

At first I thought that was simply hung up on me, hung up on the past and our teenage romance, but it's really more than that, He knows me as I am now, he doesn't expect me or require me to be the teenage me... Indeed, I think the reason we were so connected when we were young is because he was able to see and love the real true inner essence of me when I was just a kid. And to me, he seems just the same as he was then. I don't mean that he seems like a 17 year old, I mean that I love in him now just what it was I loved in him then.





Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'm a little suspicious myself honestly. "Half joking" anything usually means there is half truth in it. I'd hate to think this guy has a sense of being "obliged" because of your history. That would be disrespect to your husband in my humble secondary opinion.
Of course, yes. As Freud taught, there is no such thing as a joke... I chided him for it and he excused himself saying "Sorry, that was a Bloke thing" or something similar. Actually, he is very respectful and generous about L. He has never pressured me or made me feel in any way as if L is a difficulty for him. When I ask him about this ability, he says "He's your rock, your root, you love him, you're with him. Loving you is about wanting you to have what you want, what makes you happy, and L makes you happy". He is not greedy or needy about my time, energy or attentions.


And as I have said elsewhere, although L tolerates and allows disrespect from his "girlfriends" towards me, I would not (and do not) accept or tolerate that from my "boyfriends".


Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
A little New Relationship Energy perhaps?

Well of course....! But are you suggesting that I ought to feel remorse and guilt?

I do feel dreadful that I am causing pain for L, but not guilty. I mean that I don't feel that being loved is a thing to feel guilty about. I don't feel that I have done anything wrong. I have not lied or cheated or betrayed. I have been open, I am trying to behave honourably, I am trying to find ways to negotiate new and challenging territory, with respect and love for L and for our relationship.

I think that in a way this whole thing would be far simpler (not easier, certainly, but more simple) if I wasn't in love with L, if I was just ready to end the relationship and move on. But I don't want to leave L, I love him, I love our life, I love to spend time with him.

If anything, I am more aware and more appreciative of the love L and I share now that I have T in my life.
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