View Single Post
Old 04-24-2012, 06:43 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
First, you just really need to ask yourself what you want. Not what you think will be best for everyone, not what you think might be expected of you, but what YOU want. When you're with your new friend (NF for short?), do you feel like you want to get closer, share more emotional and physical intimacy? Is there an urge or a tug that you cannot shake that you feel you must explore? Or are you perfectly satisfied with a close platonic friendship with him? It sounds like you want more than a platonic friendship, since you told him you'd like to go out on a date with him eventually.
I feel the urge to be closer to him physically and emotionally, yes. I question whether or not its because I find him interesting and unique and it makes me want to know him more or if its because I am attracted to him beyond that.

I would have a close friendship with him, sure. I definitely don't want him out of my life or in it less than he is now. If nothing else I am sure we will be close friends.

I think that perhaps by asking him to ask me on a date at some point I am giving us a chance to be together outside of friendship to see how that would feel. Really all we have had is a few walks, coffee together and spent time with other people. A date where we go and do something for a longer period of time that involves going and doing something might help decide where we are going. I really can't tell by texting constantly and spending no more than an hour together at a time. You know how big I am on spending time with people. I never got into relationships where there is distance of any kind. Look at Leo and our once a month dates. They just didn't work for me. This is similar to that. I can't seem to figure it out because I don't think we have spent the right amount of quality time needed to really know where we are going.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Maybe NF will be more like a FWB than a partner. I know that's not usually your thing, but it could work.
It could work. Remember way back when when I dated a friend and called him my "fancy?" He was more a friend than a partner. I could go there again. Maybe NF (shortening that is a good idea I think, thanks ) could be a tersiary. I don't like the idea of giving him a title that indicates his status though... I think it might be best to think of him as a certain person under a certain description and then not use the title out loud.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Regarding PN and Mono (I'm not including Derby since she's already read this and written to you, so she's in the loop), there is also nothing wrong with saying to them how confused and scared you are. "Hey guys, I'm confused and don't know what to do, and I worry about how you would feel if I have an additional lover, and I want to do everything I can to stay connected with you both." You say that you're afraid Mono will hit the roof - just try not to get defensive and wind up in a fight if he does. But somehow I think he won't. I think he will probably be willing to talk as much as you need to with him. Ask him to examine within himself if he can handle it or if he thinks he would lose interest in you. Ask him how committed he would be to you if there was one more man in your life. I know you will not take any steps unless you have reached some sort of agreement for how it can go.
I have done all you suggest here... many times. Sometime I think more than I needed to and that everyone is just getting annoyed and waiting for me to say, "hey, we are dating" or "hey, we decided to be friends." I suspect I might get an eye roll and a response something like "its about freakin' time you figured that out."

You are right, I will not take any step unless I reach an agreement with them.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
NF is not Leo, so put that whole drama out of your mind. And realize that you and all your loves are not the same people you were when you were struggling with issues around that relationship. Everyone grows and changes.
Thanks I will do my best to remember that.

This relationship is vastly different in so many ways. I don't sense my disposableness like I did when I was with Leo (I did in the last year with him). I always thought I was seeing him on borrowed time. All the way through the years we were together. This man is eager to spend any second he can with me and often goes out of his way to see me. He will leave work to find me across the city to go for a walk for a half hour. No, this man is far more attentive to my needs than Leo ever was. I feel completely loved and honoured by him. His devotion to what we have is evident daily. I have even asked him if my texting, over thinking, questions and constant need to be in touch is bothering him and he has said absolutely not. He welcomes my contact and seeks me out if I don't contact him(I've tested that out several times). I suspect that he will find someone with more time at some point though. I worry that I am only a bridge to finding someone to be with that is more available. There is no doubt that he is NOT at all like Leo. Now that I think about it he is completely opposite in many ways.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2012 at 06:48 AM.
Reply With Quote