Okay, I have to admit, I'm afraid. I'm doing my best to face my fears, but quite frankly I don't think I can without something solid to feel reassured about.
I'm afraid that Mono will hit the roof if I decide to make my new friend another partner, either that or leave me because he finds himself unable to handle it or loses interest in me sexually.
I'm afraid that Derby will feel left out due to constricted time or will be indoctrinated with my new friends ex needing support.
I'm afraid that PN will feel his sex life with me threatened as we don't have sex often. We get along better than ever, but our sex life is not very frequent. I fear he will be jealous.
I fear that I will be yelled at by my new friends ex. She is doing great according to him; really getting on with her life, working hard on herself. I wonder if she is doing that to prove a point or to get back at him in some way ("see, I don't need you"). I am waiting for the other shoe to drop as their break up has seemed too easy so far. Time will tell.
I'm afraid he is not getting his needs met sexually as he seems to of been used to a great sex life with his ex, just not a great relationship life. I am not putting out and although he says he doesn't want that and would rather not than wreck our friendship, I can see all over his face that he desires that closeness and wishes we had that together. He looks sad about it actually. I'm not sure what that is about but it makes me feel like he might think I am leading him on. I can't predict where my feelings will end up and so feel guilty that I am not able to give him what he needs. I have suggested several people he could date or have sex with, but he's waiting for me. Besides, he's decided that just sex is not going to work for him any more. He's had that and its not been a healthy situation for him.
This whole thing brings all the stuff with Leo up again and again. I feel very stuck. I know I have to just take a chance, but I can't seem to put myself over that edge because of this fear of being hurt, abandoned, making someone angry or disappointed, threatened or jealous.
I know it could very well be worth it just to see. I know I have no control over anyone but me. But when does considering others end and considering myself start? I am happy where I am at, I think. I have a full and busy life with some wonderful partners, family and friends. Do I really have room for more? Do I need more? Part of me reminds myself that love is abundant, time isn't. I spend little time with him and likely that will continue, I can't see how the time thing will change from what we have been doing for about 6 weeks now, its just my head that has to change and maybe a little bit of the circumstances.
I feel so anxious and uptight after the visit I had with him today. I told him that I would like to be asked on a date after a couple of months if he is interested in that, but I would prefer he bring it up with my partners first as a respect thing to them. I suggested he let them know he would like to ask me out when he is ready and we can have a proper date. He looked confused and said he would but wasn't sure why I would ask this. I told him because I wanted my partners to know that we would be hanging out together in a different way than what we have been. By way of being official about the difference some how. I'm not sure entirely why I need that. He has spoken to them and checked it out already. Maybe its a lot to ask as a boundary?
I dunno, I'm flailing here. I really am lost on this one. I'm hoping it will all come to light somehow. Patience, patience and pacing. Gah! Poly's hard work sometimes
like all the time