Originally Posted by YGirl
When it comes right down to it, you can decide to suck it up and be "just friends" with T. There are qualities called "self control" and "free will" and those are two things that set us as humans apart from animals.
In other words, the world is not going to end as you know it just because you don't have sex with T.
Good luck with that.
Yes, I know this.
L and I have been together for nearly twenty years. In that time, we both of us have had close emotional connections with other people, this has never been an issue for either of us*. Neither of us has ever made those connections sexual.
Speaking for myself, I have certainly been in love with some of those others, and I have desired them sexually. I have will power, I am able to exercise self control.
With T, the desire to be sexual is very powerful. This may be because our teenage love affair was never consummated. We are both able to exercise self control, indeed we have had to rely upon this ability!
As for just being friends - well, I cannot pretend that I'm not in love with him. I can try to keep it non-sexual, I can decide to do that, but even if we never have sex, I will always be aware (well so far this is true) of the heat and desire that we generate when we are in each other's company.
* When I say it's never been an issue, it is of course more complicated than that implies. I don't have a problem with the fact that we each have emotionally intimate connections with other people, nor with the fact that those connections are exclusive and personal. But L tends to chose women who are often rude and out of order towards me. While I tolerate their behaviour when we are in public, I refuse to put up with in in my own home.
We have discussed this a lot over the years. If one of my boyfriends were rude to him, I'd soon say something, but L allows his girlfriends to disrespect me. It's very interesting, and there's much to discuss and explore here. I've certainly given a lot of thought to this dynamic myself.
I have never doubted L's love for me, his relationships with other women have never been the issue. I don't feel jealous or threatened, but it does piss me off when they are ignorant or cocky towards me in my own home! And it pisses me off that L allows and enables their behaviour.
I think that if we were able to move towards an openly acknowledged polyamorous agreement, then we would have to address these issues within that context and perhaps be better able to resolve them.