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Old 04-23-2012, 11:57 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Co-dependence is def our poison. We don't even know how to fight properly. I mean, prior to Cookie/Chip situation, our disagreements went like this: "I feel bad when you do x". "OMG, you are so right, I'm a horrible person for doing x". Lots of crying and embracing ensues 0_o.
The first statement seems like the perfect non-accusatory communication. The second is where the problem comes in. Falling into a self-hate spiral any time partner brings something up is just unhealthy for all involved. And it is not taking responsibility of your actions, nor is it having good boundaries. Since if partner says "I feel bad when you do x" there are multiple alternatives.

A, you may not be doing anything wrong (you need boundaries to evaluate that). If you feel like that is the case you need to say that. If your partner agrees, they have options of either agreeing to work on their own shit (e.g. overreacting) or to ask you to not do x for the time being. Note, being passive-aggressive and trying to guilt you into not doing x anymore isn't in the healthy options of action.

B, if you are doing something wrong (such as breaking an agreement) you need to apologise and then either start working on your shit (i.e. not do x anymore) or negotiate whether doing x might be acceptable behaviour. Note that self-hate is not the appropriate reaction here either. Not only is it extremely unproductive, it also sends the signal "do not ever bring up anything I do that makes you feel bad, unless you want to spend endless time and energy to make me feel better about myself when in actuality I should be the one supporting you since I did something to hurt you". Not facilitating good communication.

Neither is it good to fight and treat each other as adversaries (like, say, having revenge sex, seriously?). Obviously fights/conflicts sometimes happen, but you should act lovingly even when disagreeing. It doesn't seem this is happening, rather it seems that the response to feeling hurt is to hurt back. You might want to spend time thinking about what it is that triggers that kind of an extreme defense mechanism. Somebody trying to guilt trip you (or you perceiving somebody doing that whether they are or not)?

Lastly, I'd like to say something about the lack of partner-selection-skills you both seem to have going. While you have co-dependence going with each other due to lack of boundaries, that is not as worrying as the men in your lives. They do sound like total assholes, and it is telling of worrying things that you will put up with that. It certainly won't help to build self-esteem.
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