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Old 04-23-2012, 08:46 AM
Vanilla Vanilla is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Finland
Posts: 9
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I got quite pissed off for the constant feeling of "I wish they knew how I feel about that" and "that's definately NOT how I see things", so BU said it would be okay for me to join the discussion!

I am not suicidal or self-destructive. When BU said she was coming to take her stuff for moving to her mom, I just felt I couldn't handle it and felt a great need to get myself somehow numb. I took four painkillers, which is not much, but got my head a bit messed up. Whatever happens, I do not plan to take more. But even the idea of her moving away hurts more than knives in my lungs. I feel like she's giving up with the situation and just running away instead of trying to fix things, while I would do anything to make things better. Of course if she really decides to leave, I don't feel like I'd have the right to stop her.

Chip respects our relationship and doesn't want anyone to get hurt or come between me and BU. BU just doesn't know him at all and so she misunderstands him. He didn't shout, he just speaks with a loud voice all the time. I really have to turn my phone's volume down when I speak with him. He really approves equality, and just talked about how he can't understand how some feminists hate men - even I don't concider hate as equality. I think BU was already so upset she saw everything he said as bad, bad, bad. Chip is worried about our situation and is frequently asking me if BU is okay and how could we make her feel better or at least not worse.

I've tried to tell BU that if she needs, I'll quit seeing Chip and take time for just the two of us or anything to make her feel better, but she doesn't want me to. She's said that she would then just be afraid of every single person I talk with and also feel too bad about limiting me. I'm quite insecure and confused about the situation and don't know would it still be better for me to stop seeing him whatever she says, but I just don't know what the hell should I do. She insists that I should continue seeing him and I really wish I could, but also I would gladly remove a limb of mine if she needed me to. I just don't know what would be the best thing to do, and I feel like she doesn't know either.

So, as BU asked, we have now agreed that I will not talk about Chip to her, not even mention his name, I will not answer his calls or text messages while I'm with her, I will not ask him here, I'll meet him just when BU's at work or has something else to do and I'll answer her calls and messages at least shortly while I'm with him. It's difficult to me with all this NRE, but I'll do anything to support her and make her feel better.

And by the way, I, as many other people I know, find it really disrespective to keep chatting on phone or with text messages while being with someone else. If I spend time with someone, I usually keep my phone quiet and focus on the person I'm with and so respect the time he/she has given to be with me, like on Saturday my mom, whom I see less than once a month because of the distance. I do understand different situations and crisis, but if BU texts me constantly whether it is crisis or not, how am I supposed to know, when she really, really needs me to answer, if she doesn't let me know like "hey I'm falling apart and need you right know"? But then I will tell the person I'm with that we're having a crisis and I'll have to focus on that, and could we please meet some better time again when I'm not just wasting anyone's time by being there just partly.

Anyway, just wanted to say that there are two versions of every story and mine is that there's nothing I wouldn't do for the love of my life.

I guess I'll have to think about starting my own blog instead of conquering hers...
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