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Old 04-23-2012, 07:14 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 605
Default Celebrations

First of all: My mother is fine. They couldn't do surgery the way they originally wanted to and just took out the lymph node for now. As this effects her left side only partially, she is mobile and can do most of her every day life things just fine. She will undergo some treatment before they start to operate the breasts, but we will hear about that treatment on Friday. She is so positive that I am really relieved. She is a fighter and she will win this war.

As I am just talking about classifications, it seems that I am a protector and this caused some problems yesterday. Friends and family came along yesterday to garland the front door of my sister and her fiancé. That's tradition around here and we put all those baby clothing and storks and paper flowers (green-white, what else) and other accessories at her door, the steps, the garden, over the street and so on. To thank the hardworking crowd and all friends who showed up, soon to be wife and husband normally grill some bratwursts and everyone drinks a lot.

Should have been a great day, was one mainly, except for the end of it. I was really glad that Lin got to talk to most of our family and friends in a normal way and that he seems to make good connection with everyone. I met some people from soon to be brother in law's side of the family, I am getting along so-so with, but that was minor detail that day. My sister and her fiance had fun. That was the main focus for me.

Till I saw that Lin was drinking. I can hardly explain it, but this is something that can turn my mood instantly. Heart disease and alcohol … not compatible in my book. Without noticing in the beginning, I began to separate myself from the marry crowd and went inside or talked to my mother and godmother and just stayed away from Sward and Lin, who were drinking with the others. I spoke up not shortly after Lin's sixth beer and asked him to stop there. He said, alright, won't drink anymore, an hour later I saw him drinking and whiffing a stogy. I went inside into our flat without saying one word.

He came in after me and asked what was going on, why was I mad? We discussed this a little and he told me that he just wanted to be a normal part of that crowd of friends and family from time to time. That he was having a great time and that he knows very well how much is ok and how much is too much for him to take. That I wasn't trusting his ability to live with this disease despite the nearly 14 years he has already done that by now. And that was true. He said that he wouldn't drink anymore as he saw that my evening was ruined because of that and that he wanted to have me by his side and not constantly away from him because I couldn't stand seeing him drink. I noticed that I don't want this as well, and noticed that I needed to make up my mind. My dilemma is that I don't want him to endanger his health, but on the other side, I understand that he wants to have some fun from time to time. This hasn't been a problem up to now simply because he never would drink normally. And he won't drink anything for the next months as well. And I really don't know how much is too much in his case.

The next unpleasant moment was when I came out of his room, to find Sward curled up in bed, obviously moody. As it is his habit, he didn't tell me what was on his mind, but being passive aggressive about it. I told him that it was really unfair of him to not just speak up and tell me what has happened. We stumble about our communication styles so often and this was a classy situation for us. He tends to sleep over a problem, not speaking up till he has given the issue some time and thought. But in the meantime he is constantly emitting those signals that something is just wrong. And I need to talk about things right away, I want them to be out, discussed and solved. I can't wait for him to make up his mind.

We got to the root finally: He came from the party and found the flat empty, as Lin and I went to his room to talk. And Sward felt lonely. He told me that he regarded this situation as something he needs to get used to and I said, no, this went obviously wrong and you need to speak up for your needs. It isn't ok that I just leave you behind without telling you what is on my mind or telling you where I would be, not now in this poly relationship as well as it wouldn't have been ok back then when it were just the two of us. I wish he would be a bit more egoistical from time to time.

After that was out of the way, he asked what had been the matter with Lin and I and told me that I really shouldn't mother Lin that much. That he thought of the evening as great friendship and connection wise and that things developed a great deal towards the right direction. That Lin needs those occasions to fill the emptiness of 'the man with the head' or 'the one living with Sward and Phy' among our friends finally and that this has happened that evening while he was totally himself and talking to everyone.

I guess they are right, I shouldn't mind that much, trust in Lin's ability to know when he needs to stop and just enjoy the upcoming days of the wedding and the feasts around that happy event with both of my men. Let's see if I manage that.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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