feeling sad tonight. even though i am so grateful for this poly framework, this way of thinking about myself that is not pathologizing, sometimes i wonder why i can't just be more like other people who seem to have found THAT person, the ONE that makes them sure about how they want to spend their lives. even if they are poly. what is wrong with me that i can't just give myself that, or give myself to other people like that?
i am constantly running away. alex loves me so much, she is practically bursting with it and has supported me through so much that has been so hard for her, most of the time all she wants is just to spend time with me. but i recoil from her, her kiss, her touch. i enjoy spending time with her but only for contained periods of time. it mostly feels like i am taking care of her.
and then there is K, where the NRE is just bubbling over. i am constantly distracted by thoughts of her, the sex is incredible, i love the way she smells, tastes, feels. and i also keep thinking about all the reasons it wouldn't be okay to fall in love with her. well, maybe falling in love with her would be okay but i can't see myself in a relationship with her. she's got such a wild past that she is still recovering from. her life is so different from mine, sort of like lovers from different sides of the tracks.
alex and i are pretty clearly from the same side of the tracks in many ways. its why our relationship "makes sense". our families, friends, shared interests, all make perfect sense. so why do i want to pull away when she kisses me? why do i not like the way her mouth tastes anymore? am i supposed to try harder, or stop trying??
i have already asked these questions many times here on this blog. you all gave me permission to stop trying, and its was a huge relief to read that. maybe what i need to do is to tell alex to stop trying. that scares me, and that probably means its because i am on to something.
Gay 30-something female that just ended a committed relationship with a mono partner, Alex, and in the midst of NRE with a new lover, K.