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Old 04-22-2012, 07:18 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 552

Today I've been processing a lot. I've been thinking about a thing that rory has written about and I've talked about with her: feelings, attachment and expectations.

Originally Posted by rory View Post
I want to write about love and attachment and expectations.

I've been processing those a lot since starting poly and even before that. I've reached a point lately where it feels quite easy for me to love without linking much expectation into it. It feels like loving without expectation is the most suitable approach for me towards relationships. In no way do I do that perfectly, but it is becoming easier.

To clarify what I'm talking about, I'll give you an example. A few years back I had sex with a friend of mine whom I liked a lot. It was a one time thing, but our friendship kept on deepening after that. I would have been open to having sex again, but my friend was not; and that made me feel somewhat sad and a bit rejected, but at no point did I let that affect our friendship. I have then made my peace with the fact that our relationship won't have that sexual side, and I no longer feel sad about that.

Now, I know that text talks about sex, but there is more to the picture. Had the feelings been mutual, I think I would have wanted a relationship (and the poly discussion with Alec would have come some years earlier). But they weren't, and when I talk about making peace with that, I also talk about letting go of attachment to an outcome. My feelings for my friend have not gone away, but they don't demand reciprocity. I do like to know that I am liked and cared for, but I do think our feelings are on different levels. I am fine with that, and allow our relationship be what it is.

Another instance where I've thought about these things is my friendship with Ally (who Mya mentioned in an earlier post). I have begun to realise that my desire to have sex with a person comes from a connection. It doesn't have to be deep enough that I would class it love, but qualitatively it is no different. I need to like and care for the person to want to have sex with them. Liking and caring for a person are also the components that love consists of, for me. So these things can confuse me a bit sometimes. Anyway, I wasn't going to go into the definition of love again. So where was I?

Yes, connection. Lately, I've felt like I would like to deepen my connection with Ally. It's not a pressing need, but I feel like it would be nice to become closer than we are now. Also, I've felt like I would be open to having sex with her, if the situation came up, and she was open to it. I've discussed the possibility quite a lot with Mya, and talking about it with her has helped me to figure out where I stand with it. She feels that if she was in my position, she would definitely not want to actually have sex because of the risks: the emotions may deepen into love, and thus it would hurt that there can't be a partnership (which there can't be between me and Ally for many reasons, the most obvious of which have to do with geography and neither of us having the practical or emotional availability for an additional relationship at least any time soon). I can understand her point of view, since that's really what culture tells us will inevitably happen if emotions are involved: that if you can't be in a relationship with a person you love, it will cause you unreasonable amounts of hurt. And I think that's how it works for some people. But I don't think that's inevitable for everybody.

If I were to have sex with Ally, it is likely that my feelings would deepen. I would probably feel closer and more connected to her. However, that wouldn't change anything respective to our circumstances, so even if that did cause me to desire a relationship with her, it wouldn't be possible. I don't deny there isn't a slight chance that it would hurt not being able to become more. But I highly doubt it would be in any way unbearable. That's just how life is, you can't always get everything you want. I can live with whatever feelings there are, and they don't dictate my actions.
Now, I've completely changed my mind about this statement that I once said:

Originally Posted by rory View Post
She feels that if she was in my position, she would definitely not want to actually have sex because of the risks: the emotions may deepen into love, and thus it would hurt that there can't be a partnership
I'm amazed how calm I am now when thinking about the possibility/risk of falling in love with Bob. I've made a complete turnaround because right now I feel it's totally possible to have feelings, even love, for someone and not expect much from that person. To just enjoy the situation, the feeling and the connection without expecting or hoping for a relationship. Me and Bob can't have a relationship. I don't have time/energy for a third partner, I don't think he wants to have more relationships than the one he's in now, and besides, in a few months we're going to live very very far away from each other (he's moving abroad as well, to a totally different direction than me). To top it off, I'm not even sure we would be that compatible, but this one I'm not really sure about yet, since I'm still getting to know him better. Anyway, although I'll never say never, it seems very unlikely that we would become a couple. And that is perfectly fine. I'm really coming to terms with that thought and I love it! I feel like I'm making some progress in non-attachment, which I absolutely crave for. One step at a time.
Me: bi woman in my 30's
Dating Olivia and Marco, FWB with Noel
Living with Dahlia and Eddie (friends)

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