Thanks for the links kdt - halfway through second one now.
I believe like many others that jealousy is a secondary emotion, and for me insecurity and fear underly jealousy, and the course these stem from the base fear - I am not enough, therefore I will not be loved.
I woke with more adrenaline today. Still having a hard time not feeling betrayed from when M was unconvincingly telling me she and another's relationship was platonic. This was fairly recent. She left me here, but I pretended I was ok, and she pretended there was no sex involved, and both knew otherwise.
She apologised, but I had to ask for the apology. I know this pattern of dishonesty is from her trying to protect loved ones, but dishonesty for me is huge, good intentions or not. It's all the childhood stuff again. Those people who were meant to love and take care of me let me down. I have trust issues, and though the lie is over, it resonates in my head.
My head - that source of bliss and despair, thinking frames the emotions, thinking around todays events is related to previous experience (we seem to choose the worse memories - self protection? - to bounce current events off).
So I think of her telling me lies (to protect me, and still not knowing who she was - self loathing - which allows us to behave like assholes) and all the distrusts and let downs of my past join forces to scream at me - RUN, YOU'RE GOING TO GET BURNT.
It's early days. I have a lot of processing of my own stuff to do yet. The thing is, reliving the past is a waste of time I spent years trying to fix my head previously but throw a relationship into the mix and all the old crap was right there again. Waste of time and resources imo. For lasting change I am learning to address the thoughts that trigger the emotions.
Thoughts: M is dishonest and will hurt me repeatedly through dishonesty and so I am better off taking my leave now.
Errors: Jumping to conclusions (will hurt me repeatedly). Blowing things out of proportions (she is a dishonest person). Extreme thinking (hurt repeatedly, take my leave). Reality filter (zero in on one negative aspect at expense of rest of picture). Ignoring the positive.
Analysis: From the amount of errors found in that one sentence it is obvious I'm not thinking straight. The extent of my hurt is largely proportionate to the extent of my past I choose to carry as baggage, and frankly, I'm sick of feeding off sympathetic energy for that crap, so it's time to stop being walking wounded, and return to thoughts of love. M has tried to be honest from the start, it's me who said I don't want to know. The dishonesty is with honest intention, and now the truth is out for all to see, there is no need for it anymore, but thinking perfection will arrive immediately after many years of using 'lies to protect others' - it may be unrealistic - I should look for progress, not perfection. I am looking for trouble. I am looking for something to be aggrieved about. What is the real stressor? Workload and procrastination! She loves me, she cares for me a great deal. I don't want to leave. I chose to stick it out, I chose to love her and to use this opportunity to get a handle on jealousy and other emotions that plague me. I am doing really well. For myself also - I should expect progress, not perfection.
Whew, that's a bit better, processing will go on a while, it gets faster and faster though.
Thanks for the pm from the person who this is helping already. It's the best tool I've found for dealing with thoughts. And as I've learned:
Thoughts -> Filtered through experience to give context -> emotions.
It is my choice when I think of M to go to the dishonesty and dwell on that, or to think of the love, the hugs, the caring, the laughter, the kisses, the good times of which there are so many. Her very smile lights me up.
We can control our thinking to some extent, and that in turn will get a handle on our emotions. I'll always be a passionate man, but my passion can be directed.