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Old 04-22-2012, 04:09 PM
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DevotedGeek DevotedGeek is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Santa Monica, CA
Posts: 22

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
We talked and I feel a bit better today. As much as I want to ask for more time, I think the fact that I am crying over literally nothing probably means that we need to dip our toes in again, and hope it goes better this time.
I'm glad to hear the two of you discussing this openly together. IMHO one of the wonderful characteristics of polyamory is being able to talk completely openly about anything, and caring so much about each other that both of you have each other's best interests at heart. (Or maybe I just grew up with rainbows and puppy dogs... whatEVER!)

One of the most important ground rules in my poly family is the ability/right to discuss our personal needs openly, without fear, and to support each other when this is happening. Unmet needs leads to jealousy and hurt feelings. Plus poly relationships are complex enough as it is... we need to have each other's back.

If you need more time, then you should be able to discuss that openly, without fear. My hope is that the two of you can explore the "why" behind that need, wherever that takes you. Perhaps in your heart-of-hearts you really want to be mono. Or you want to be poly, but you need more time with him first to cement your relationship together before adding more people to the mix. Whatever the root cause, it's best to discuss/explore it openly so the two of you can address it together, with each other's best interests at heart.

Originally Posted by mostlyclueless View Post
Sometimes I think it would be better if I just left my partner so he could find someone who was better at this. I feel terrible for being so difficult. If our positions were reversed I'd be totally fed up.
You're missing the point here. Your partner isn't with you because you'll let him date around. If what were the case, it'd be a hollow relationship, and you can do better.

Instead, the two of you are together because you both love and care for each other. He loves you for who you are. The point isn't to replace you with an automaton... it's to build a loving relationship together, partners in crime and all that good stuff, nurturing, caring, and supporting each others needs. Don't second guess yourself or your value.

For me, I'd honestly be mono if my wife didn't open up our marriage, but I love her and want what's best for her, so we opened it up. It took a lot of patience, time, and understanding on both our parts, and I'm grateful for all her patience with me (as I'm sure she's grateful for all my caring and understanding with her). In short, we saw polyamory as being about valuing loving relationships, so it'd be silly to sacrifice our own loving relationship in the process.
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