Originally Posted by sdbielz
I have browsed the threads on jealousy, and haven't found anything personally relevant. I can be more specific about my question I suppose.
I read a book called Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality by Darrel Ray. He claims that jealousy almost always stems from any or all of the following: insecurity, feelings of ownership, and fear of abandonment.
I have closely examined my feelings, and I have determined that my jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of abandonment. For example, when I imagine her loving someone else I worry that she may be having a better time than when she is with me. What if he is better at sex than me? What if they have more fun while on dates? What if she decides she just wants to be with him, rather than me and him at the same time?
I guess my real question is... does anyone have any advice for how to stop being insecure? What about losing my fear of abandonment?
So what if they are better than you at sex? So what if they have "more fun"? Those are subjective. You can have more fun in some ways or be better at specific things. Stop worrying about the other person. They aren't better or worse. They are different. Variety. An orange isn't a better fruit than an apple.
I had all of these same fears. It isn't jealousy. You're not jealous that he will be better. You're afraid of it. You have to just let it go and stop thinking about it. That's how I got past it. Also, being poly doesn't open up the door for her leaving you for someone else. That door was always open. Monogamous people break up for other people all the time. If she's leaving people for other people like that then she isn't someone you want in your life anyway.
As far as getting rid of jealousy... You can't be jealous if you choose not to be. Realize that it's a silly emotion and that the problem is your insecurity. Distract yourself when you start to get jealous. Eventually it'll fade away. I used to be consumed by jealousy but I realized it had to stop and just gave it up. I have nothing to be jealous over. She isn't my property and I don't control her actions. It's that simple.