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Old 04-22-2012, 03:39 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"Some of the struggle is his lack of honesty and some of the struggle is his insistence that there is no difference between friendship and romantic interest."
I suppose one could argue that the line between friendship and romantic interest can seem blurry at times ... but there is certainly a difference between the two. One is romantic; the other is platonic.

Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"I agree romantic interest is frequently (and for me most importantly) based from friendship, but I don't think to be close to someone or care about them in a significant manner you need to take it to a romantically intimate level sexually or emotionally."
I would think it would be highly unusual (at the least) for someone to be romantically interested in *all* of their friends. Doesn't your partner have *any* friends he just hangs with? football buddies, or ...?

Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"How do you handle something like that? I may have given too lighthearted an example, but let's say in the case where something fairly large happens, not a death or anything -- but just something where I feel really stretched and need him around, but he has a date. How do you handle being there when unexpectedly someone just plain needs you?"
Well, keep in mind, it's not just poly situations (such as, he has a date) that can pull a partner away from you. Sometimes they're at work, or have some sort of family obligation they're tending to, or something to that effect. Monogamous couples, too, have their time when each partner is alone. Granted, polyamory adds *yet another pull* to our partner's time and resources, but comparable examples do exist in the monogamous realm. The only difference is that you're dealing with a fact that it's a *date* your partner's on ... but that's a jealousy issue, more than it is an absenteeism issue. Assuming, that is, that your partner doesn't schedule a ridiculous amount of time for these dates (or a ridiculous number of dates). He has his obligations to you, and should be tending to them. But for those times when he "happens" to be out on a date, you try to deal with it similar to how you would if he was at work or off running errands or something.

If you establish a primary-secondary arrangement with him (such as, you're the primary and all of his dates are secondaries), then you may propose to declare a "right" to call him home early from a date at any time. That is, if he's willing to agree to that. The thing is, you have to come up with something you and he can both agree to and live with, if the two of you are to stay together.

If you don't intend to interrupt these dates (other than in the case of a death or other emergency), then you have to come up with stuff you can "fall back on" as a distraction. Something you're interested in, that doesn't seem like too much effort to you. A hobby perhaps. Visiting with a friend. Shopping. Doing something around town. Poking around on the internet. These aren't OMG-great-suggestions, but they might give you some idea of something to shoot for.

As for the jealousy issue, here's some links that might help:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

Depends on whether jealousy's an issue for you (in the first place).

It should be noted that love is an infinite resource ... but time is a finite resource. The more time your partner spends on a date (or a bunch of dates), the less time he's spending with you. So there you have to find a balance: What's an amount of time expenditure that he can live with and agree to, that you can live with and agree to also? If he's just going to want to be out there *all the time* meeting new people (or gossiping with his poly friends, or whatever), that's not fair to you.

Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"While it *is* nice and stimulating to meet new people -- the idea that you have to be poly and open to having a full-on love relationship with every new person you meet is ridiculous."
Yes, that's a pretty ridiculous idea. I hope you weren't under the impression that that was a widespread poly philosophy? This is the first time I've heard of it. I have a feeling that your partner is preaching his private gospel to you (or perhaps he's just miscommunicating, I can't tell). Unless this is something his poly friends think?

Again, it has to do with time. It takes time to develop a quality relationship. If you're just flitting about from one date to another all the time, your relationships are going to be superficial.

Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"He is drama focused and has been as long as I've known him, where drama and conflict really bother me."
That sounds like an issue you guys will have to contend with whether you try on polyamory or not. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It doesn't sound very pleasant.

Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"It would be hard to see him interacting with someone else the way he does with me and being minimized while that person is around."
Hmmm. He shouldn't be doing that though. At any time. If you and some other girl are both present with him, then you should be getting at least an equal amount of his attention -- or, in a strongly primary/secondary arrangement, perhaps you should be getting the most attention. There again is something you'd have to see if he could agree to on that. But equal attention at least. It's only fair. Certainly he shouldn't be minimizing you just because someone else is around.

Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"Thanks for the reading recommendations by the way! My partner suggested this one -- The Ethical Slut -- but I was instantly horrified by it because it stresses 'have all the sex you ever dreamed of' and I thought that wasn't what this was about."
Here's a better suggestion (I think): Opening Up (a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships), by Tristan Taormino. Not that "Ethical Slut" is bad per se, but it doesn't (I don't think) cover the range of relationships that Opening Up does.

Re (from amandapitch):
Quote:
"I want to build a *life* with someone I can trust and has similar goals and aspirations I do -- someone I can share everything with and not think they are just going to toss it over the side when the next shiny person comes along."
This is something you really have to think about: *Can you trust him to consistently come home to you?* You also have to ask yourself if you can live with him dating other people -- at all. If you can't, then it's better if the two of you parted ways before you get in too deep. I hope it doesn't come to that, but ...

Hope some of this post helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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