View Single Post
Old 04-21-2012, 11:11 PM
valelapena valelapena is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24

(the forum constraints wouldn't let me post this all at once - it's the 2nd half of the previous post - sorry about being so verbose - guess there is a lot going on...)

People have said so many good things here and asked so many good questions it's impossible to react to them all!
YES! I hope I'm not missing answering anything wanted a response to. If I am please let me know and I will immediately. Not intentional in any way and I really do appreciate the effort everyone is putting in to try to help me.

So I wonder if it would be at all helpful to try to shift your focus. Let the poly question be secondary for the moment, and deal as best with the core issues.
Yes - this hits it on the head right now. We officially have put the moratorium of talking about poly IN our relationship right now - i only end up feeling tricked and it's really making other things harder. I just know it's something that will come up later if it's something he's bringing up now as important to him even in theory though he's not actually seeing anyone else right now (my head would explode if he were before we work through our own issues...). But this is some seriously good advice and something someone else mentioned too about just dealing with the issues at hand that would crop up in any relationship anyway - poly/mono/other.

What I'm trying to do is really understand poly - I've never really given it much thought pos or neg - it just is. I truly believe everyone is entitled to love as they please. There is definitely not enough love in the world, so bring it. And I'm trying to formulate how I feel about it in my life as a concept, think about what I'd really need to work on personally in order to feel secure and happy and what the relationship would have to provide to be satisfied, and also what to expect from my partner in terms of commitment and dedication to making it all work. And also why some of the things he's already done and said and why some of his existing relationships really bother me and tweak my jealousy bean so to speak. I'm not really that jealous a person, but something about how he's not been so honest + some baggage on both our parts = extreme discomfort in several cases.

Plus they are a good spur against letting relationship complacency to set it; they are a reminder that we have to keep paying attention to the primary partner (which is actually very easy to lose sight of when you are monogomous).
This I see as a major benefit to poly. Complacency is probably one of the things I hate most in a relationship. There is never a guarantee someone will be there the next day due to changing feelings, requirements, and even acts of god like accidents and weather. I think it happens in mono relationships a LOT and have been a victim of it as well as a perpetrator. To me it signals the end.

I don't mean to make it all sound easy; it hasn't been. But it has been worth it.
Heh. No pain no gain, right? Just kidding. But good things seem rarely to be easy. I think it's true of any relationship really. I appreciate you and everyone who has stressed it does take work and isn't just something that occurs naturally.

Thanks y'all!
Reply With Quote