Whereas, when I think of sex I think of... orgasm. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love sex, but it feeds a physical want not an emotional need for me.
This is often exactly how i am, and your post was really helpful to me simply to know that i am not alone,
I think you are really brave for sharing what happened in your past,
i was also sexually abused from a young age, younger than i can even remember, up until my teens and it has really made sex difficult for me, i had to really work hard to enjoy sex at all, and now that i do i thought perfect iv worked it all out, im over my past,
then recently i made love to someone and i felt some kind of emotional attachment, connection, im not even sure what during sex and i realised that actually i am missing out on something big because what i did feel with him was truelly amazing and i would like to be able to feel that with all my partners
i also have abandonment issues,
and i think it can make polyamoury harder because for me when i fall in love i have a very deep sort of childish attachment that is not very logical and that i have to work really hard on so that i am able to allow the adult part of my brain figure some things out so that i can feel more secure, this not only aplies to sex but it aplies to every aspect of every relationship that i have.
The first one is easier. About how I always knew there was something different about me. I have always felt a romantic connection with more than one person at a time. I thought I was defective. This is something I am still working myself through actually. The same idea that people who were molested as a child grow up and repeat it. I thought that my urges and wants for multiple relationships was something that was caused from my experiences and that in time I would heal from it and therefore my need for multiple people would go away as well.
This is exactly how i felt, sometimes i still wonder, am i wanting more than one lover because of my past, is this some abuse issue and then i look at my life and the people that i have in it, and i think no i really do like being poly, this is a choice. Whatever led me to this path doesn't matter because the point is i am choosing to stay on this path and i am happy hear.
I crave love,
but i also have much love to give.
The second part is, I have a belief that I need to be in love with someone to have sex with them. But, as I looked harder and deeper I ask myself what exactly does this mean to me. I love my fiance with everything I have, but now I see that when we are having sex it is just a physical activity (mighty fun lol) and there is no emotional connection on my side of it.
again i have same thoughts, with my long term partner i often feel that i find it very difficult to have an emotional connection through sex. I love him, when i touch him and hug him and hold him i get that connection but with sex it almost scares me if it gets to emtional,
our sex usually ends up as passoniate, hard, and playful, but sometimes i cannot stand to be touched gently, and I too am trying hard to work through this so that I can have gentle loving sex without putting up a barrior.
I want the feeling that I get when we snuggle. It's a deep emotional trance for me. I feel the world melt away and I am safe in his arms connected to his heart. I feel as though we are one. I want to work on bringing the two together and I think I will have to do alot of digging around to figure it all out.
Honestly reading your post was kind of scary because it seems we are looking for exactly the same thing and it was just over the last few days that i started to really think and dig deep within myself in regards to this issue.
Thankyou so much for sharing becuase you sharing your experience helped me feel brave enough to share my own,
i have other serious mental health isues left over from the abuse, (that im not sure i am ready to write here because i worry to much what others will think)
fortunatly all my partners are very understanding about this,