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Old 04-20-2012, 11:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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Re (from amandapitch, Post #4):
Quote:
"I'm feeling pretty betrayed and manipulated now though, as if I have to agree to this to keep the relationship."
Well we don't know how strongs his feelings are about it yet. More talks will be needed to find that out. Maybe he can give up some of the poly possibilities he has in mind, if not all of them. You just have to find out if there's any middle ground the both of you can live with.

Re (from opalescent, Post #7):
Quote:
"Some people are just not poly. They just aren't and that is perfectly fine. You may be one of those folks."
This is true.

Re (from amandapitch, Post #10):
Quote:
"I don't think he's forthright enough -- not that he's not honest, but if not directly asked, he will withhold info on any number of topics rather than in the interest of full transparency so nothing can be misunderstood or taken personally and it causes problems already and we haven't even ventured into the poly realm yet."
Well, that is a problem. He should learn to be a more thorough communicator, before either of you think about trying out polyamory.

Re (from amandapitch, Post #10):
Quote:
"He's hidden things and not been completely honest, already has individuals he'd want to get involved with that I'm not friends with and I wouldn't be a part of their relationship, and is also weird about giving information I think would help me feel more comfortable in all of it and tells me it's none of my business ..."
What! It certainly is your business, if he wants you to be his partner in polyamory. (Sheesh)

Re (from amandapitch, Post #10):
Quote:
"It would be totally ironic -- and not really out of the realm of possible -- if through all this exploration I decide poly actually *is* for me and end up in a poly relationship with folks that doesn't include him."
Ah, alas, that may be how it turns out. (Doesn't mean it can't still be a happy ending for you but ... sux for now.)

Re (from amandapitch, Post #4):
Quote:
"The things you guys are saying about communication and boundaries and mutual agreements being honored as well as mutual respect being vital to a poly relationship, I see as vital to *any* relationship, poly or mono or other if it's to be sustainable."
I agree with you on that.

Re (from amandapitch, Post #4):
Quote:
"For myself I can easily imagine having a bad day, and looking forward to flopping on the couch with my partner to get pet and listened to, only to find out he had plans with another partner and resenting it monumentally."
Well for that reason, a lot of poly families keep calendars and schedules, so that everyone knows what's coming up ahead of time and there aren't any "unpleasant surprises." That said, you do have days that will be "scheduled" as a date night for him with someone else, and that does make it challenging if you wish he were at home with you.

Re (from amandapitch, Post #4):
Quote:
"And while it does all sound really beautiful and evolved in theory, the simple logistics and negotiation seem so time consuming and involved that it seems like it would really sap the fun and satisfaction of it."
It certainly takes some getting used to. It gets easier with practice though ...

Re (from amandapitch, Post #4):
Quote:
"I'd feel jealous of all the time he spent with someone else out doing fun things without me. I'd want to be there too if anything. Not just someone sitting on the side waiting for my partner to return from his fun day/date/whatever."
That might be something to discuss with him, is whether he'd be willing to "date as a couple" with you. Or there's the theory of if you'd have a "date of your own," but that would depend on how you'd feel about that.

Re (from amandapitch, Post #4):
Quote:
"I *know* people make this work and are probably far more evolved than I am either as a result of having this in their lives or it works in their lives because they are more evolved in the first place."
LOL, we're not that lofty. Many of us (e.g. yours truly) lead pretty boring lives; you wouldn't think we were polyamorous. It's just that polyamory is so different from what society as a whole advocates (i.e. "monogamy is the only way"), that the new paradigm takes some getting used to. Plus there's more literary/professional/social support for monogamous marriages. People hear you're having trouble in your polyamorous relationship, and their first knee-jerk reaction is to say, "Well duh! You're polyamorous! Of *course* you're having trouble!" So that part of it is more difficult.

Re (from amandapitch, Post #4):
Quote:
"Still super conflicted and wishing there was a rulebook."
There's no rulebook per se, but a couple of "how-to" guides that come highly recommended are:
Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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