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Old 04-20-2012, 10:56 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Everyone has given great advice, but this is exactly what I wanted to say. People say you can't help who you fall in love with, and to a certain extent that is true, but as soon as you realize you have feelings deeper than friendship you need to take action. If it is someone unavailable (monogamous, poly saturated, or whatever the situation may be), you need to stop your thought pattern. You can't focus on how he/she is great because of x,y, and z and "oh, my.. We would make such a perfect couple." You have to focus on the fact that you're friends, he/she is NOT available for anything more than what you're getting now, and that you don't want to risk causing yourself or anybody else pain by building unrealistic dreams/expectations.
For me, in cases of a real crush and not just a silly infatuation or sexual crush, I generally just have to stop being friends with the person or otherwise distance myself for a time. I feel so strongly and deeply that if my feelings for the person are rooted in true compatibility and not just chemistry/simple attraction, I can cut off those thought processes but only prolong the inevitable fall.

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I always think of it kind of like anger. It's not always appropriate to show anger. If I get pissed at my boss because he did something that I didn't like, I can't yell at him. I have to find some other way of getting that emotion out - going home and writing in a journal or writing a letter to him I'll never send or going to the gym or punching a pillow. If I get a crush or fall for someone that I know I can't have, I train myself to think of the positives of keeping the relationship the same and lavish the other people in my life with extra attention until I don't feel the need to act on anything with that particular person.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. With a friend, it's absolutely appropriate to express anger (in a healthy way). And in the same way, it is also appropriate to express romantic feelings. Being straightforward does NOT mean coercion or selfishness. It means openness and trust, which I have with my friends of all sorts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Opal also has an extremely good point. You need to figure out why you keep falling for unavailable people. After you figure that out, you should be able to figure out whether or not you truly need to stop getting close to people who aren't available for something more than a close friendship.
I addressed this above. It's not quite accurate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The problem I see with crushes is that people think they have to act on them. You don't. There is a thing called self-control.

The other problem is thinking that having a crush is falling in love. It isn't. It's just a bunch of chemicals in your brain responding to a bunch of chemicals in someone else's brain. Don't make it out to be more than it is.

You can develop a crush on someone, enjoy it completely, and never have to let that person know or do anything about it. It's natural for human beings to have attractions to other human beings and we can't always expect them to meet our checklist of requirements for romantic partners or liaisons. We can have crushes on people we work with, situations where nothing can or should happen, and on people who are unavailable. So what if it's inappropriate to be with that person? Should I inhibit myself from feeling that tingly deliciousness every time that person is in close proximity to me? Why should I? I'm an adult and know how to behave and control myself. Eventually the crush dies down, goes away, and I'll have a crush on someone else. Such is life.

It's rather juvenile to think that having a crush means it is love or that we have to have that person, seduce that person, fuck that person, or turn the crush into a relationship -- like a kid who screams and cries until someone hands them that shiny new toy they see and now MUST have. A mark of maturity is knowing where boundaries lie and respecting them. But that doesn't mean I can't go home and fantasize about someone who is off-limits and give myself a good hot time while entertaining those thoughts.

Crushes don't bother me. I have them and enjoy them, and don't get hung up on them. If you have a clear sense of who you are and what you want in life, you will also know what kinds of relationships you can cultivate and where to invest your mental energy.
See, this is very much not what I mean when I say crush - you're talking about what I'd call infatuation. That's sexual feelings, and warm-fuzzy-sexual feelings are NOT the same as what I mean when I say "crush." When I say "crush," I mean, "I think I could maybe really be with this person, and not in just a casual way, and not in just a sexual way." In fact, the most recent crush actually isn't very sexual. I think about being with her, living with her, sharing a life with her, and honestly I'd be okay with it even if we never slept together (I'm a very sexual person, but she's somewhere near asexual on the spectrum).

Mostly, I just wonder - what is wrong with asking someone my age (so young, and so unformed still) whom I'm interested in how they feel about polyamory? If they say they're not sure or they're open to it, does that mean I should back off? I think that's just cutting myself off from something potentially wonderful.
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Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future

Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 04-20-2012 at 11:01 PM.
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