Thread: Postmortem
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Old 04-20-2012, 10:38 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083


You are fucking awesome (not just kinda awesome) and totally a catch (not just a bit of a catch) !!!

But you may never find out why he doesn't want more of a solid partnership with you. Maybe he doesn't completely know why not, either. Sometimes people say "no" to the very things they want the most, out of an unconscious belief that they don't deserve having it. And maybe you are focusing on him more exactly because it ended with Beaker and you perceive him as being more available than he was before -- but that doesn't mean it really should happen.

There is always this useful exercise for trying to deconstruct certain thought processes/behaviors/whatever: ask yourself, "what does this buy me?" In other words, what does it buy you to struggle with these feelings and focus on wanting more from SW than he is willing to give? Why isn't what he can give enough? There's always a pay-off, even when we stew in crappy feelings or won't let go of something that brings us pain. Does wanting more from him help you avoid feeling something else? Does it reinforce old ideas about yourself that in turn support a belief system or pattern of behavior you've constructed? Does it create problems where maybe none really exist, because admitting that life is pretty darn good would challenge some limits you perceive about yourself? And so on.

Maybe the relationship is right for you just the way it is and it's best for you to sit with the discomfort you feel around that, and the "extra space" there is in your life after your relationship with Beaker ended, without filling it up again. Yeah, it sucks to feel like you want someone more than they want you, or that something is missing, but it's like the sand irritating the oyster, y'know, you could get a pearl out of this.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-20-2012 at 10:42 PM.
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