Thread: Postmortem
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Old 04-20-2012, 10:00 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,303
Default SW thing con't

I struggled with going to events where he and some of the women he is dating would also be. Completely irrational but it bugged me.

I guess I missed my window of possibility of being a potential partner for him. If there ever was a window. A year or so ago, he could see me as a partner but I wasn't available as I was still with Beaker. It was also never really clear to me at the time that was what he wanted. Maybe it was a passing want. However, I don't see the difference between now and then. I'm not with Beaker anymore. He is not with his girlfriend anymore. I guess I want to know what changed for him. Maybe he got over the NRE and realized I wasn't all that. Or thinks we are not all that compatible. The fact I feel that like non-monogamy is going to be part of my life for the foreseeable future and he does not is the polite, non-hurtful reason he gave for turning me down. I want to know the 'real' reasons for his lack of interest. Perhaps I should ask him. Of course, I also don't want to know. Arrgghhh!!!

It doesn't help that part of me, a big part, thinks he is a fucking idiot. I am kinda awesome and a bit of a catch. Of course, that is better than thinking that I'm just not that great. It is also frustrating that he is seeing women who are a lot like me - smart, funny women, some of whom are overweight with big boobs. This drives me nuts. I always thought I wasn't his type but apparently, broadly, I am, or at least one of his types.

The 'what ifs' drive me crazy. I am generally not one to deal on what-ifs. I usually accept what happened and move on, I don't analyze the 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' scenarios. If someone is not interested, I usually am bummed for a bit but then accept it and move on. Except that is exactly what I am doing in this situation, about this man. And I am not sure why. I feel like a fucking squirrel running around with no fucking clue as where I put that goddamn acorn of understanding.

Fuck.
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