Thanks you guys. I find your feedback invaluable. Instead of just spinning around in my head constantly - being able to come here and have input from you guys is incredibly warm and I feel very supported.
I agree with everything you've said. He and I really do need to talk. I can't help but feel like its some sort of statement about how I'm not enough or good enough that he might want to add someone to the relationship - definitely something i need to work on regardless of what happens. Being more secure with myself would go a long way in any relationship, and that's sort of where my own personal journey of redemption has already begun. By not dismissing this out of hand I feel like I can safely say I've made SOME progress on it, but clearly need more.
What's rough though is things ARE weird with us right now. Bad weird and I really don't want to add a serious discussion or decision making to it right now - both for myself and for him. I don't want to corner him or be cornered into making decisions yet.
Logistics make it difficult for me to remove all dependencies on him. We live together with a lease that's not up til Oct and I have dogs so finding an affordable place in that case isn't easy and I doubt our ability to survive as drastic a change as a separation like that right now. I think it's a really good suggestion though and will do as much of it as possible in the mean time. We almost broke up last week and I thought I was fine with that at the time, but with some more thought I realized that I was really not ready to let him go yet.
What really sucks about me is that I know I'd be a lot more ok with being the pivot point of a V style relationship (is there a term for that?) or in one where it was a group situation where it wasn't direct competion for time or attention.
I don't really consider myself philosophically mono either for the record. Technically I think it would be really easy to love several people at once, but relationships are so hard I have trouble seeing how to happily manage it. I don't think love is finite, but I do think time and energy is - very much so.
Oh - and what else sucks is I'm a people pleaser. I look like a dominatrix, but am really a softie. I worry that I'd just be walked on in all this and come out of it feeling beaten up and taken advantage of and never have any of my needs met. The idea of having to compete with another human for what I feel should be given freely from a committed partner is daunting to say the least.
Anyway - thanks again you guys for being willing to share about your own personal experiences with this to a total stranger. It really helps.
Questioning - your journey with your love sounds like a really difficult one, but you do truly sound resolved and happy. I envy you very much for being able to make it through all that and still be intact. That is some really good internal work and it's inspiring me to try even harder within myself. Maybe the poly still won't work out, but I will be a better person either way.