Originally Posted by Questioning
It turned out ok, but I'm not that keen on approaching her with my imaginary jealousy any more, I think reality is one thing to discuss, but paranoia perhaps should be discussed with others whose jealousy might slip beyond 'reasonable' bounds at times as well.
I just wanted to voice my agreement with this sentiment. I believe our thoughts and feelings are our own, to share or not as we choose. Especially when you yourself believe your jealousy is beyond "reasonable". I think the time to tell her about this emotion is when you would like her to change a behavior. For example, to let her know that you feel jealous when she (you fill in the blank) and you'd like her to slow down a bit while you work on your reaction.
I also want to point out that as wonderfully accepting of her polyamory as you are striving to be, and as aware as she is of her history of struggle with monogamy, it's not a given that your relationship will end up in a certain way -you as one of several boyfriends, or whatever you might imagine she would like. I'm speaking as a polyamorous woman whose monogamous husband as been coming to terms with this recently. For me, his growing acceptance of this aspect of me, along with a certain amount of freedom to explore it, has been satisfying. I don't feel a need to have sex with anyone else, or give other relationships any more of my time than my husband feels comfortable. It is enough that I am free to love. Limiting what I do about it is a concession I am able to make, and you may end up discovering that she is too. In other words, your feelings are as valid as hers, and the two of you can work this out together.