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Old 04-20-2012, 09:35 AM
Questioning Questioning is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Hi Amanda

I am relatively new to all this polyamory stuff and am on this forum seeking knowledge as I am a monogamous man who has fallen in love with a polyamorous girl. There's been an awful lot of confusion and pain for us, partly by pretending to myself I could change her, partly by her not understanding who she really is.

We've only just sorted it all out (her identity, and where I stand) recently.

So, where do I stand, mono person with poly partner he loves. OK today but for a long time I was sooooo conflicted. How could she love me, and yet do this (to me). But it's not about me. It is her history, it is her, who she is. i had to make a decision. Love her - I mean REALLY LOVE AND REALLY ACCEPT HER, or move on.

This is not my idea of perfect. To be madly in love with a woman who leaves for a weekend or a week two three times a year to visit others. BUT - she always comes back. When she comes back the rule now is: I need her to hold me, kiss me, tell me she loves me, tell me she's back. I need quality time, hiking together, wine, conversation, making love - a reconnect. It gets easier, even when I didn't understand, the visits away got easier. When she is away I need activities of my own, to spoil myself. We want the other to be happy. I canot reject this woman, I love her profoundly, so profoundly I find myself in this 'untenable' situation, but she is my best friend, I could never abandon her for having alternate sexuality, especially now she has only just begun to 'find herself'. I truly believe she is polyamorous, there is no other explanation, cold bitches don't have the love and energy she has, she just is who she is, an amazing woman. Polyamory is a very real phenomenon.

My greatest enemy is my thoughts, as they drive my emotions. I have a thread on this I've just started in general discussions. Believe me, I was way down before I came up for air.

I wish you the very best. Unless there is profound love - eg remove all benefits this man provides you - and you still love him - I would be looking for someone else. Only if they are worth you making a major shift in your value system, your beliefs about love! It's growth to understand other lifestyles, but to embrace them - there may be some growing pains...
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