We were out last night and I had the green eyed monster jealousy playing in my head. Some young guy hanging around, her (as host) greeting men. Fears that other flings were going on. Fears that she is somehow juggling everything I know - and managing a third secret life - so ridiculous! But oh boy, it all sounded real swimming round in my head as we sat through a two hour talk. Every man became a potential enemy.
Jealousy is pure evil. It festers in the imagination of the fearful. It is horrible.
I admitted my jealousy this morning and it didn't get a great reception. I didn't really know what to say, to explain how it was something I dislike just as much as she does, and I REALLY want to rid myself of it. This was unreasonable jealousy, but it is tied to me knowing things weren't right for a long time, it is an old wound salted at the moment.
It turned out ok, but I'm not that keen on approaching her with my imaginary jealousy any more, I think reality is one thing to discuss, but paranoia perhaps should be discussed with others whose jealousy might slip beyond 'reasonable' bounds at times as well.
It is wierd writing this stuff here, a jealous person in a polyamory forum, but I do not feel I'm in the wrong place. And jealousy is an emotion I get, not me as a person. There must be many here who have dealt with people with my conditioning, and perhaps helped them to find peace around their polyamorous selves/partners.
Jealousy of course is rooted in fear. The major underlying fear of all of us, according to Anthony Robbins is that I will not be good enough, therefore I will not be loved.
Being a good man doesn't just involve getting my head straight. Through this episode I have begun smoking too many cigarettes, eating poorly, lack of fitness, and a fair bit of 'self medication'. I had my priorities - emotional health, then back on track with everything. So now it's time for the everything.
We are going hiking tomorrow. It's going to kill me for the first half hour.
My quit date for cigarettes is Monday. I begin walking to uni (an old habit, 1 hour there) the same day. A large grocery run to supplement the large gardens and chicken run is planned Sunday. A gym is being set up in the greenhouse to muck about with. Weed, ah me old friend in times of grief, needs to be severely curtailed, there's research to be done.
Diet, exercise, study, WTF. Understanding my ployamorous partner took an extreme toll on me. I love her so much it was worth every tear and ounce of breath, but now, it's time to balance things out with some serious self love.
Thoughts: Now that I know what's going on, and that she loves me, I have no need to be fearful of her leaving me. I feel raw, edgy and tired as it has been a long road. I can continue to work on jealousy as part of my daily TEA. It is time for self love.
Analysis: Wow I am a lucky guy. She loves me. I am not perfect, but I am working on myself and it is all good, I am good enough, and I am ok.