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Old 04-20-2012, 05:28 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Hi Amanda,
Welcome. You have really excellent questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
When I entered into this relationship with my partner I knew he was poly.
Separated for emphasis. You knew. There had to be some part of you that was so attracted to him you were willing to 'forget' this, and/or believe he could be otherwise. (regardless of what he said or didn't say)

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
I am trying really hard not to take it personally and not feel deceived, but the bottom line is that I do. I guess my overall question is this: what is it that a person can get from multiple partners that is worth the overall difficulty and drama that you can't from a single partner?
Not sure that I can answer that. I fell in love with my partners in mono relationships; it's my extreme good fortune that I get to have both of them now. We three were friends during the times I was mono with both of them. I've always loved them both, I just permission to add sex. (that's the way I see it sometimes) They're different. One of them isn't 'cuddly', the other one is like my opposite piece of velcro.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
Please don't judge me as closed minded - again I'm really trying to understand and not take it personally - I'm reading what I can find online, posting here, and even reading The Four Agreements again to limber up my mind for this... So - why does this feel extremely selfish of my partner and like a way for them to not really deal with our issues?
I think it's wonderful that you're researching and investigating and asking questions.

Some people view mono/poly as an orientation, much like gay/straight/bi/other-option. Some people are wired for loving more than one. Some have a choice. Sounds like perhaps your bf thought he could choose, but discovered he could not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
Wouldn't this be like me saying I was ok with poly to manipulate him into the relationship in the first place, then deciding I wasn't ok with it after we were deeply involved and demanded we give it up?
I can totally see how it might feel like that.
Consider it could be that he was so attracted to you, he wanted to be able to choose. He wanted to be able to give you what you needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
What I want is this: a happy satisfied and healthy partner who is stimulated by and engaged in their life with me who is my partner in crime. I want to be their go-to girl - the one they call when something good or bad happens - their emergency contact - the one they want to go on vacation with - etc - and not have to wonder what I mean to my partner.
That's an awesome description of what you want! Is the only way you wouldn't wonder is if he were mono? (btw, I didn't see in that description that you wanted your partner to be male? Am I reading in too much?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
Is this possible? If so - how?
Do you mean, 'is this possible in a poly situation?' There are many married poly folks in this forum. To me, they seem to have what you seek.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
He has been in several poly relationships previously - all of which appear to be failures to me in that the moment he decided he wanted to see someone else - even though his partners were seeing other folks - they would freak out and it would end the relationship. So for the most part he's been in poly relationships without really dating other people - just allowing his partner to date other people and having the option open to do so himself, but not actually doing it.
Sounds like his 'chooser' could use some fine tuning. Sounds also like your counselor is a good one, if he is questioning everything. Finding out why he picks people who leave when he's on the verge of 'success' (for lack of a better word) will be very helpful to him, I'm sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
And finally - one more question - isn't this just a way to avoid commitment? And I don't mean this to be judgemental - I'm really just trying to understand. What is the difference between being poly and just dating whomever you feel like whenever you feel like it? I realize there are supposed "negotiated boundaries" but what ARE those boundaries and how do you ensure they aren't being crossed? Why is it different than just serious (not casual) dating?

If we've committed to each other - what does that mean if people are invited in and out of the relationship on a whim?
It could be a way for him to avoid commitment. As I said, many married folk here, and a few who've been in this for a long-haul.

Some people can live with more uncertainty than others. Some people only feel alive with a great deal of uncertainty (they're the ones who jump out of planes and such).

Dating whomever whenever doesn't quite fit with my understanding of poly. Most folks, when talking about 'love' mean something deeper than 'casual dating'. I'm sure someone can point out the threads, but I've seen a lot of that discussed around here lately.

What does it mean if they're not invited in and out on a whim? What would it mean, if he loved two (or three) of you for the long-term?

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
I truly believe there are infinite people in the world who are interesting and wonderful people who I COULD fall in love with, but why keep trading in who you DO love for a possible new love?
I think most look at it not as trading-in, but adding-to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
For the momentary excitement of the first few months? Everyone outside a committed relationship looks shiny and fun from within one mainly because they hide their flaws simply by living somewhere else and/or being less involved in the day to day minutae. It's easy to look amazing, witty and fun if you just pop in and out of a relationship, but when you deal with bills, pets, family, cleaning the toilet - it mars the shine. How can you even begin to compete with someone a) who doesn't live with you and doesn't have to deal with him never cleaning the bathroom and therefore doesn't seem like a disappointed nag and b) ends up looking really fun because the time they would spend together would be time specifically carved out for meaningful interaction whether it be deep or just fun - not cleaning the cat litter box, food shopping or negotiating "boundaries" for the relationship.
That's an in-depth that I can't personally speak to, but you'll find lots of material in here about that. People call it NRE, and it wears off, and people stay in relationship.

One benefit of poly is being aware of that; and *not* taking your day-to-day partner for granted. Remembering that they are so much more than cleaning the cat box, and remembering to date them and carve out meaningful interaction with them.

On the other hand, I could be owned forever by someone who found cleaning the catbox a worthy and meaningful activity for support of our relationship. [I have a friend whose husband cleans the box because she absolutely can't, told him, 'if you want a cat, you have to do that'. I don't know about her, but I see that as a huge sign of his devotion to her.] To me, it increases the shine. Anyone can buy me dinner, someone who loves me cleans the catbox.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amandapitch View Post
Please help - as you can see I am spinning wildly out of control.
You sound like a perfectly normal noob. You're doing great, actually. You're calm, you're rational, you're investigating, you're having feelings. You're not bashing anyone. Awesome!
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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